Ingredients for a Serene 2014
I’ll admit that 2013 wasn’t my favorite year, but I do think that in retrospect I’ll look back and see it was the one where I grew the most. It’s certainly ending a whole lot better than it started. I think the themes for this year could be “Painful Things that Led to Better Things,” Or “Laying the Foundation.”
I ended a relationship with someone I really didn’t want to leave behind, but it was becoming too detrimental to my sanity and peace of mind. I learned I had the courage to love myself enough to walk away from a situation that wasn’t giving me what I wanted and needed. I also learned that I can be quite content and peaceful in standing alone, because I can keep the focus on me for the time being. I also have complete faith that my Higher Power, which I call God, is going to deliver the right person to me. So I don’t need to worry or go out “hunting.” I just need to have patience.
I also had a situation of struggle at work that turned into something great … a new position with a lot of promise, working for someone I respect and like a whole lot. That was nothing other than the answer to a whole lot of prayers.
This was also the year that I found I liked sparkling water, distance running, and meditation. I can’t wait to see what I pick up next year!
I really believe that everything we encounter on the path happens for a reason – God has our best intentions in mind. If I let go and keep faith in the process, I’ll feel calm, serene, peaceful. My life will go more smoothly. But if I fight and struggle with it, everything will seem challenging and difficult.
That said, what am I aiming for in the coming year?
1. A mindset of abundance: I do feel that what we believe is what we will attract. If I feel like I am always lacking, always needing or wanting something, then the lack will become my way of life. If I focus on a belief in abundance, then what I already have will attract more. Louise Hay’s book You Can Heal Your Life talks about this in excellent detail.
2. A change in routine: I’ve set a goal to try at least two new things a month that are outside of my routine. I’m fortunate to live in a big city that offers a lot of possibility. I’ll soon be making a list of things that interest me – classes, activities, outings, volunteering – and deciding what I want to pursue.
3. Learn something new: A new language? Learning to code? A different type of fitness certification? Herbology and natural medicine? All of those things were flowing through my mind last night as I was lying in bed.
4. Have fun! I stole this straight from Buddhist Boot Camp’s Facebook post today: “Make a list of 10 things you enjoy doing, and do them often! We constantly make To-Do Lists of the things we “have to do”, and then we wonder why there’s no joy left in our lives. Remember to always add “have fun” to your list.”
What’s on your list for 2014?
Grateful for: Past experiences
Today’s gratitude installment: I am thankful for past experiences, or specifically in this case, relationships that are no longer a part of my life.
I am trying to make a conscious effort to no longer say that a relationship “didn’t work out.” True, we decided we didn’t want to be together anymore in the capacity that we once were. That usually means no longer having contact with each other. But just because we aren’t together anymore doesn’t necessarily mean that things didn’t work out. It means that in the natural progression of things, our lives moved on, and as such, our paths diverged.
But in those times when we were a part of each other’s lives, we had some great experiences. We laughed. We supported each other. We had some great moments and memories together.
In ending things, it helped me to decide what I want or didn’t want in the future. It’s given me an assessment of how well (or not well) I was able to relate to another person from an intimate perspective. I could compare it to my education: Even if I never again used the lessons I learned in school, I don’t feel it was necessarily a waste of time for me to learn them.
All of these experiences brought me to the place where I am now. As I work to make peace with my past, release my resentments, and move toward a place of maintaining serenity and spiritual contentment, the lens through which I look at my past has a huge influence on that. It’s impossible for me to move forward joyfully if I keep trying to drag past baggage along for the ride.
Today, I am grateful for the people of my past, no matter what pain or sadness it might have brought me at one time. I am choosing to release them with loving kindness.
How to Change Anything
(Sorry for being away for a while, gang … nothing big going on here, just living life. I missed you!)
Do I have your attention? Good! Pull up a chair. I’m going to tell you how to change anything to become exactly what you want it to be.
Here’s the catch: You might have to change what you want. Or you might have to open yourself to different outcomes. In either case, it’s absolutely imperative to admit you have no control over what’s happening.
The only thing any of us have control over is ourselves – our attitudes, thoughts, behaviors, actions.
Once you’ve got that down pat, I can guarantee that you will change any situation drastically, because you will feel so much more freedom around it. Isn’t it so much more freeing to let go of a situation, rather than scratching and scraping and digging to try to figure out exactly what you need to do in order to produce the outcome you’re looking to create?
“There are two things you can do in any situation: Accept it, or change it.”
I’m not sure if I have that quote exactly right. I think it’s a good one. But I also think there’s a middle way. You can accept it, and change your attitudes and thoughts about it at the same time. Changing it can mean walking away from it, or at least detaching from it.
The real secret to changing any situation, person, place, or thing, is to let go of it. Release it to the universe. Give it away. Realize it isn’t yours to master, steer, or coerce. Of course, changing the curtains in your house is one thing. But thinking a person needs to behave how you see fit is not the answer. (Conversely, watch out for other people who would look to have this sort of control over you.)
I’ve had a series of encounters lately where I’ve thought, “good grief, why can’t this person shape up and just do what they are supposed to do?” (Translated: Why can’t they do what I want them to do?)
Answer: I have no idea. It’s not up to me, not mine to control. But when I think about why I want this person’s behavior to change, it’s because I’m wanting them to act in a manner that would leave me more comfortable in our interactions. It’s not wrong for me to want that. If we had a different type of relationship, I would probably walk away from it. That’s not a viable option for me in this case, so this is what I’m asking myself:
- What’s the lesson here that I am meant to learn? (I think it’s a need to extend more compassion to understand what’s behind this person’s behavior, while also reclaiming my emotional power for myself. A combination of empathy and detachment.)
- How can I act in a way that is in accordance to my heart and spirit? I strive to step away from hostility and contempt. I can be direct and firm without being disrespectful.
- How can I maintain a sense of peace and serenity in this situation? (By doing all of the above!)
I feel like the biggest lesson I’ve learned and taken to heart lately is this: Everything will be just fine if I just let go to the unfolding universe. Good things will happen for me, much beyond what I ever could have dreamed or planned, if I just allow for it to be. I am always where I am intended to be, no matter how difficult or trying it may be.
There is something being worked out in me, a sense of knowledge or wisdom that is coming my way and will become clear – eventually!
Acceptance, Pt. 2 – Acceptance of Others
I believe I’ve heard a quote that goes something like “It’s only by accepting others that we can learn to accept ourselves.” For me, it needed to go the opposite way – I had to accept myself first before I could extend it to other people. However this is accomplished, though, it’s a key toward sanity and serenity in relations between yourself and the people around you.
To me, acceptance means viewing someone as-is, right as they are this minute. This means realizing that they aren’t going to change unless they want to, and that me wanting them to change isn’t going to create that “want” within them. So I need to put that “want” out of my mind entirely.
Acceptance does not equal liking someone. When you accept someone, it doesn’t mean you’ll become BFFs or turn a blind eye to past wounds and wrongs in your relationship. It also doesn’t mean putting yourself in the path of someone’s punishment or toxicity – you don’t have to accept unacceptable behavior, nor should you, but regardless, it’s important to accept the person behind it. This acceptance is more for you than the other person, because it will help clear the static from your mind and help keep your focus on yourself – the only person you really can change and control – vs. everyone else.
In the reverse, just because you love or like someone doesn’t mean you’re practicing acceptance with them. You might love your child/parent/sibling/spouse/best friend/significant other/cousin but not show acceptance toward them. “If only they lived somewhere else.” “If only they didn’t watch so much TV.” “If only they had made a different career choice.” “Why can’t they buy the outfit I picked out instead of the one they like?” “Why can’t they eat a healthier diet and get to the gym every now and then?”
Sure, you might have those questions and judgments in your mind, but where it gets dangerous is when you start communicating out those feelings, especially when there’s a dose of guilt and/or attempt at manipulation attached to it. “Yes, I know you like living in that city where you are … you always have been into doing what you want.” “I can’t believe you like that stupid show! Why do you keep watching it?” “Everyone’s going to laugh when you step into the party wearing that thing.”
Of course, some of those messages can be communicated in a gentle, loving way. But if you feel you might have sent these kinds of messages a time or two, ask yourself: What’s my motive behind it, and what am I feeling when I say it? If it feels like you’re trying to lash out, even in the slightest way, proceed with caution … or not at all.
Here are some common phrases that go behind or along with non-acceptance messages: “It’s just so stupid.” “I can’t believe you’d act so selfish/immature/dumb.” And the real zinger: “Why do you have to be that way?”
Think of how much richer your relationships could be, and how much more sane and serene you would feel, if you accepted the people around you and stopped wishing/hoping/praying they’d be different. In family and partner relationships, think of how much more loving your interactions could be if there was no longer the urge to give your opinions on “what’s wrong with them.”
But again, accepting someone doesn’t mean you’ll allow them to walk all over you, to cross your boundaries, to treat you in any manner that’s abusive. It doesn’t mean you’ll keep dating or stay friends or stay married. It means that you’ll realize that this person – their personality makeup, their decisions, their actions, their dreams and desires – are not yours to own, control, or change. And by practicing this, you’ll realize the same is true in reverse. Your life is yours to own and manage as you see fit, with your own best interests at heart – not those projected onto you by someone else.
How have you learned to accept other people?
Young Spirit, Old Soul 