Humility: A Gift
When you hear the word “humility,” what do you think?
This is my definition: Humility is a state of egolessness. It is a recognition of yourself as equal to the rest of humankind – no better, no less. It is a willingness to admit to flaws and defects. It is an act of submitting to a Higher Power, of admitting that there is a non-human power that is greater than you. It means “to be humble.”
It’s important to make the distinction between “humility” and “humiliation.” In my mind, humiliation is shame, being disgraced, degradation. I believe that humility is an inner state of being, while humiliation is often a reaction to external factors.
I suppose one of the most interesting things I’ve found is that the more confident I am in myself, the more I believe in my own inherent worth, the easier it is for me to be humble. I don’t need the false trappings of the ego to artificially inflate my value. Seems counterintuitive, does it not? And yet, I’ve found my ego and pride to be very shallow pools indeed. Those are things built up (or deflated) by the clothes I’m wearing, the balance in my bank account, the car I drive – or the clothes someone else is wearing, the balance in someone else’s bank account, the car that someone else drives.
Self-confidence, though, runs deep. It allows me to see people around me as my equal. I don’t relate to them from a “one up” or “one down” perspective. We all become precious children of God, each with a special place in the universe with unique gifts to offer. Nobody has to be perfect. They don’t have to be anything other than themselves.
These are the gifts of humility – acceptance, confidence, a sense of serenity. I strive to make it more central to my character. I will be humble. I will be grateful.
The Perfect Revenge
Think about the biggest wrong anyone ever committed against you.
What happened? How did you feel? How do you feel about it now?
Now, imagine for a moment that you could exact revenge against the person who wronged you. You could inflict a wound just as big and cause the same level of hurt and anger as was caused you. The score would be settled.
Or … would it?
There are all kinds of sayings out there, “revenge is sweet”; “don’t get mad – get even,” etc. Many of us want to believe in a sense of justice in the world, that things will end up being fair and people will get their due for the wrongs they committed. In reality, though, life just isn’t fair, and never has been.
The problem with revenge is that it just perpetuates a wrong. It doesn’t fix anything. It doesn’t take away the bad feelings that the injured person felt. It is, literally, stooping to someone else’s level. Instead of repairing the situation, it merely puts more bad vibes and more poisonous energy into the universe.
The thing that’s far better than revenge – the thing that really will fix the situation – is forgiveness.
Some of us have the idea that forgiving someone is letting them off the hook. As in, if we forgive them, that means we think what they did is OK.
But, consider this. Forgiveness is more about you than the other person. Forgiveness is about allowing yourself to feel inner peace. Forgiveness is about releasing someone’s emotional power over you and reclaiming that power for yourself. Forgiveness is about letting go.
The next time you fantasize about settling the score with someone, consider stopping and asking yourself why you’re still allowing this person to dwell, rent-free, in such a prime spot of real estate within your mind. Then, consider replacing those resentful thoughts with a sense of peace. Find the freedom that forgiveness allows.
Change: The Great Constant
“The one constant in life is change.”
I might be mangling that quote, but dang, isn’t it the truth? Like I mentioned in my last post, I haven’t come across any situation yet that’s permanent. That point was driven home to me today.
In addition to my full-time “get dressed up and sit behind a computer” job, I have for many years worked part time as a group fitness instructor. Today I found out that the gym where I have taught for many years (and where I have loved working) was sold to a national chain. There was much frenzied exchange between myself and other instructor friends, as we were all taken by surprise. Much of our discussion revolved around fear of the unknown … what was going to happen to us, the members, the other people who work there?
There is certainly a difference between the change that you initiate yourself, and the change that’s brought on by outside events. In the former, you feel a sense of being in control. You’re the one who decided! The latter, though, is much more frightening. What does the future hold? Why would someone else make a decision that directly influences me so much? It’s often unwanted, and it can provoke many unsettling emotions – anger, sadness, fear.
I’m sad that this era is coming to an end. This wasn’t the fanciest gym but it’s always been the friendliest. I’ve worked for more high-end places, and they might have paid more or had fancier equipment or nicer locker rooms, but it just wasn’t as welcoming or rewarding. I’ve made genuine friendships, and the good thing is that those will stay with me long after the transition has ended. Nonetheless, I’ll miss it. It’s been a great run.
And so it goes with change … some of it is welcome, some of it is not. But it’s a fact of life, and today I am focused on acceptance of this. God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
Dealing
When I started this blog, and hence opened a public window into some very personal things, I never, ever wanted to write anything that would hurt somebody else, even people who’ve deeply hurt me. I never wanted to name names or go into specifics that would make situations identifiable. Some of it is protecting the other people in my life, and some of it is protecting me. This is not a site for salacious gossip fodder.
But the thing is, there are two very big issues I’m dealing with right now, and both of them are private matters, but I don’t feel comfortable writing (publicly) about either one. OK, so there’s something titillating for you – “ooooh, she’s got problems. Wonder what they could be?” Sorry. This is akin to those “vaguebooking” status updates you see on Facebook, but I hope you’ll find this more thoughtful.
In the midst of all of this, I feel like I’m in a time of transition in my life. Big things are ahead for me – good things. I can sense that and feel it. I truly believe it. Old voices tell me that I’m just fooling myself, that I will forever be stuck in this purgatory of sorts, or that things won’t work out for “good” in the end, and I’ll have made no “progress.” In the end, though, it’s progress just for having been on this journey.
The problem lies in ME. I want things stitched up RIGHT NOW, this minute, yesterday if possible. I want to force solutions. I want to know how things will work out and get through with this “sitting through it” business.
Of both of these issues, I know that neither is permanent. Besides the biology of existing as a living organism (eating, breathing, sleeping, etc.), I’ve found absolutely nothing to be a constant in life. No situation or moment lasts forever. In some ways, that’s bittersweet. Sometimes you just don’t know when you’re living the “good old days.” That’s why it becomes important to stay present at all times, to enjoy the moments you’re in and not focus too much on the past or future.
So, how does one deal in times of transition? For me, I’m having to exercise a great deal of patience. It’s important for me to have faith that the answers will come, the solutions will come. I meet up with a meditation group on a somewhat frequent basis and saw them again today, and it was marvelous to unplug again – to simply feel my body in the chair, to hear the air rushing out of the AC vents, as well as the birds and occasional car outside. Thoughts came to mind and I let them come and go. For those few moments, I was there – and nothing else mattered. I was free. I felt a light of joy in my heart, and the thought came to mind, “God is taking care of me right now.”
As the saying goes, this too shall pass. I might think “not soon enough,” but it will happen when the moment is exactly right.
Giving Up
Sometimes, the hardest decision to make is when to give up.
In some cases, it’s crystal clear – like when the entrée you were making for a dinner party burns to a crisp and the guests are arriving in 15 minutes. Time to wave a dishtowel at the smoke alarm and grab your take-out menus.
But most things – especially important things – dwell in a shade of grey. Jobs, different kinds of relationships, activities or projects you’ve thrown your heart into … it’s often hard to know when to walk away or when to forge ahead.
I’ve had times when I’ve decided to leave something behind, only to have it come back to me in some manner. In those cases, I look at it as God telling me I still have things to learn from it … even if it still doesn’t work out in the end.
One bit of wisdom I heard about difficult decisions was to think of it like this: Does this situation leave you feeling drained, or can you still derive energy from it? It’s not always cut-and-dried, but something that constantly pulls you down is probably not a great situation for you.
So, as I face a few of my own hard choices, these are the questions and thoughts I’m keeping in mind:
- Is this situation barring me from meeting my goals and having the life that I want, or being the person I want to be? This is for long-range thinking … where do I want to be 5 or 10 years from now? How will this situation affect that?
- Does this decision affect other people, and in what ways? I’ve learned that you should never live your life with the goal of pleasing other people, or of living up to someone else’s agenda. But especially if you’re in a relationship, or if you have children, it’s important to consider a decision’s impact on them. It isn’t selfish to strive for the life of your dreams, but it becomes that way when it happens at someone else’s expense.
- How will I feel tomorrow? This is the “can you look yourself in the eye” question. What decision leaves you feeling proud of yourself?
- If there are certain aspects of this situation that don’t work for me right now, can they be changed – even if it’s just reframing my own attitude? This isn’t to say “put on a happy face” if things are legitimately bad. But especially if an alternative isn’t readily or easily available, sometimes the best you can do is to detach your emotions to the greatest degree possible, and look for happiness in other aspects of your life.
As I walk through these experiences, I also find frequent prayer and meditation are also helpful. If I do my best to turn problems over to my higher power, and genuinely ask for help with a willingness to receive it, I have found it will come to me … sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. But it will come.
Young Spirit, Old Soul 