Dealing

When I started this blog, and hence opened a public window into some very personal things, I never, ever wanted to write anything that would hurt somebody else, even people who’ve deeply hurt me. I never wanted to name names or go into specifics that would make situations identifiable. Some of it is protecting the other people in my life, and some of it is protecting me. This is not a site for salacious gossip fodder.

But the thing is, there are two very big issues I’m dealing with right now, and both of them are private matters, but I don’t feel comfortable writing (publicly) about either one. OK, so there’s something titillating for you – “ooooh, she’s got problems. Wonder what they could be?” Sorry. This is akin to those “vaguebooking” status updates you see on Facebook, but I hope you’ll find this more thoughtful.

In the midst of all of this, I feel like I’m in a time of transition in my life. Big things are ahead for me – good things. I can sense that and feel it. I truly believe it. Old voices tell me that I’m just fooling myself, that I will forever be stuck in this purgatory of sorts, or that things won’t work out for “good” in the end, and I’ll have made no “progress.” In the end, though, it’s progress just for having been on this journey.

The problem lies in ME. I want things stitched up RIGHT NOW, this minute, yesterday if possible. I want to force solutions. I want to know how things will work out and get through with this “sitting through it” business.

Of both of these issues, I know that neither is permanent. Besides the biology of existing as a living organism (eating, breathing, sleeping, etc.), I’ve found absolutely nothing to be a constant in life. No situation or moment lasts forever. In some ways, that’s bittersweet. Sometimes you just don’t know when you’re living the “good old days.” That’s why it becomes important to stay present at all times, to enjoy the moments you’re in and not focus too much on the past or future.

So, how does one deal in times of transition? For me, I’m having to exercise a great deal of patience. It’s important for me to have faith that the answers will come, the solutions will come. I meet up with a meditation group on a somewhat frequent basis and saw them again today, and it was marvelous to unplug again – to simply feel my body in the chair, to hear the air rushing out of the AC vents, as well as the birds and occasional car outside. Thoughts came to mind and I let them come and go. For those few moments, I was there – and nothing else mattered. I was free. I felt a light of joy in my heart, and the thought came to mind, “God is taking care of me right now.”

As the saying goes, this too shall pass. I might think “not soon enough,” but it will happen when the moment is exactly right.

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Andrew Hines

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