Selling Fear? I’m Not Buying
Alexandra Petri is an excellent writer for the Washington Post. She’s featured on the ComPost blog but also writes a delightful column that appears in the Saturday print edition. Sadly, I’ve been unable to find those print columns online. I really wanted to share her July 27 entry with you, because it was nothing short of brilliant. It talked about the fears that other people will try their hardest to also push onto you.
Since I can’t find a link, here’s an excerpt:
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If you want to be absolutely safe in life, listen well. Imbibe my fears. Let them guide you.
Here is a vague smorgasbord of anecdotes, prejudices and bad experiences my uncle once had that will, I think, protect you from death or at least from new experiences that could change your mind about people, which are in some ways worse.
- Don’t jog at night. Don’t jog during the daytime. Never jog. One hundred percent of joggers who were mugged were jogging in the first place. …
- Don’t walk through certain areas of downtown Los Angeles, ever. One of your distant relatives once walked through that area, and he was savagely attacked by a saber-tooth tiger and dragged into a tar pit. …
- Avoid bus stops, parking lots, schools, houses, cars, the pyramids, the suburbs, the city, lakes, oceans, rivers, Kansas, your own back yard, hole-in-the-wall cafes, fancy restaurants, the environs of the Eiffel Tower, places where they serve food that is different from the food your mother cooked, barbecues, street festivals, Grandma’s house. Terrible things have happened in all those places. …
So far, no one who said that a life lived in fear is not worth living has ever made it out.
Try, if possible, not to be born. If you are born, you will have to interact with people who are different from you, and you will learn, and you will change your mind, and you will discover all kinds of wonder and unlooked-for happiness, and, one day, you will die.
This must be avoided at all costs.
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While Petri’s irreverent tone is joyful to read in and of itself, it’s also quite a serious look at the fears that people try to place onto others. I think this often happens between parents and children, but to some degree in any other type of relationship as well. People are afraid of things because of their own wounds, their own insecurities, their own bad experiences. Now they want YOU to be afraid too.
But doesn’t it all sound so ridiculous? And imagine it applied to larger things: Why you should avoid people of a certain cultural or ethnic background. Why you should never travel to foreign lands. Why you shouldn’t like something or want something or pursue your dreams – because they fall outside of the norm, because it’s different or strange, because people like us just don’t do that.
I’m writing about this because much of my emotional journey has been examining my relationship with fear. It’s the thing that’s kept me back from many things. Kept me from standing up for myself. Kept me from going after things I wanted. Kept me from living a truly fulfilled life at times.
I still confront fears at times and try to take inventory of them as a means of keeping them in check. I know they’re poking at me if I’m afraid of honestly and respectfully speaking my truth. If I’m afraid to take a risk, even if it would mean an opportunity to grow. If I’m more concerned with your feelings than with my own. Vulnerability and abandonment are two fears that have kicked at me for years. What if I say or do something that makes you not like me anymore? I’ve had to learn to put that thought in its place … to realize that the people who would walk away from the honest version of me are the ones who are best let go.
As I grow, I find my fears slipping away, holding less influence. As I find my courage, I find more freedom, more joy, more serenity. I find truth. I find the essence of who I really am. I hope that all of us, in some way, can find the means to be brave, to leave fear behind and instead be guided by faith. To let go … and truly live.
Humility: A Gift
When you hear the word “humility,” what do you think?
This is my definition: Humility is a state of egolessness. It is a recognition of yourself as equal to the rest of humankind – no better, no less. It is a willingness to admit to flaws and defects. It is an act of submitting to a Higher Power, of admitting that there is a non-human power that is greater than you. It means “to be humble.”
It’s important to make the distinction between “humility” and “humiliation.” In my mind, humiliation is shame, being disgraced, degradation. I believe that humility is an inner state of being, while humiliation is often a reaction to external factors.
I suppose one of the most interesting things I’ve found is that the more confident I am in myself, the more I believe in my own inherent worth, the easier it is for me to be humble. I don’t need the false trappings of the ego to artificially inflate my value. Seems counterintuitive, does it not? And yet, I’ve found my ego and pride to be very shallow pools indeed. Those are things built up (or deflated) by the clothes I’m wearing, the balance in my bank account, the car I drive – or the clothes someone else is wearing, the balance in someone else’s bank account, the car that someone else drives.
Self-confidence, though, runs deep. It allows me to see people around me as my equal. I don’t relate to them from a “one up” or “one down” perspective. We all become precious children of God, each with a special place in the universe with unique gifts to offer. Nobody has to be perfect. They don’t have to be anything other than themselves.
These are the gifts of humility – acceptance, confidence, a sense of serenity. I strive to make it more central to my character. I will be humble. I will be grateful.
The Perfect Revenge
Think about the biggest wrong anyone ever committed against you.
What happened? How did you feel? How do you feel about it now?
Now, imagine for a moment that you could exact revenge against the person who wronged you. You could inflict a wound just as big and cause the same level of hurt and anger as was caused you. The score would be settled.
Or … would it?
There are all kinds of sayings out there, “revenge is sweet”; “don’t get mad – get even,” etc. Many of us want to believe in a sense of justice in the world, that things will end up being fair and people will get their due for the wrongs they committed. In reality, though, life just isn’t fair, and never has been.
The problem with revenge is that it just perpetuates a wrong. It doesn’t fix anything. It doesn’t take away the bad feelings that the injured person felt. It is, literally, stooping to someone else’s level. Instead of repairing the situation, it merely puts more bad vibes and more poisonous energy into the universe.
The thing that’s far better than revenge – the thing that really will fix the situation – is forgiveness.
Some of us have the idea that forgiving someone is letting them off the hook. As in, if we forgive them, that means we think what they did is OK.
But, consider this. Forgiveness is more about you than the other person. Forgiveness is about allowing yourself to feel inner peace. Forgiveness is about releasing someone’s emotional power over you and reclaiming that power for yourself. Forgiveness is about letting go.
The next time you fantasize about settling the score with someone, consider stopping and asking yourself why you’re still allowing this person to dwell, rent-free, in such a prime spot of real estate within your mind. Then, consider replacing those resentful thoughts with a sense of peace. Find the freedom that forgiveness allows.
Change: The Great Constant
“The one constant in life is change.”
I might be mangling that quote, but dang, isn’t it the truth? Like I mentioned in my last post, I haven’t come across any situation yet that’s permanent. That point was driven home to me today.
In addition to my full-time “get dressed up and sit behind a computer” job, I have for many years worked part time as a group fitness instructor. Today I found out that the gym where I have taught for many years (and where I have loved working) was sold to a national chain. There was much frenzied exchange between myself and other instructor friends, as we were all taken by surprise. Much of our discussion revolved around fear of the unknown … what was going to happen to us, the members, the other people who work there?
There is certainly a difference between the change that you initiate yourself, and the change that’s brought on by outside events. In the former, you feel a sense of being in control. You’re the one who decided! The latter, though, is much more frightening. What does the future hold? Why would someone else make a decision that directly influences me so much? It’s often unwanted, and it can provoke many unsettling emotions – anger, sadness, fear.
I’m sad that this era is coming to an end. This wasn’t the fanciest gym but it’s always been the friendliest. I’ve worked for more high-end places, and they might have paid more or had fancier equipment or nicer locker rooms, but it just wasn’t as welcoming or rewarding. I’ve made genuine friendships, and the good thing is that those will stay with me long after the transition has ended. Nonetheless, I’ll miss it. It’s been a great run.
And so it goes with change … some of it is welcome, some of it is not. But it’s a fact of life, and today I am focused on acceptance of this. God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
Young Spirit, Old Soul 