Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself
Melody Beattie

If I asked you to describe someone who is codependent, how would you answer?

Maybe you picture someone who is meek, quiet, unable to make a decision. Someone who isn’t likely to speak up all that often. A synonym for “door mat.”

Some of those perceptions are true, to a degree. But as someone who identifies as codependent myself, I can tell you that they come in all stripes. I encounter them every day. And there are a lot of us out there.

To a degree, I think society promotes our codependence, especially for women. I mean, it’s always considered a good thing to “be nice,” right? The problem comes when “being nice” to someone gets confused with “being responsible” for someone. We become caretakers for other people’s lives, actions, emotions. We put other people’s feelings before our own. We try to control other people and feel angry or hurt when they don’t do what we want them to do. Likewise, other people try and succeed at controlling us.

How many times have you not done something you really wanted to do – which wouldn’t have created actual harm to another person – simply because somebody else didn’t want you to? Or maybe you did it anyway, but then felt guilty for it. How many times have you put someone else’s needs before your own? Maybe later, you even resented the other person or people because you did that.

That’s just a slim sampling of codependent behavior. Nearly 30 years after its original printing, Codependent No More remains the tried-and-true manual to identifying codependent behavior, and better yet, breaking free from it. Beattie gives a number of real-life stories of codependents in action to help the reader identify. She also offers plenty of writing exercises to help you identify your own patterns and behaviors.

If you’d like to stop living as a victim … stop worrying so much about what other people think and do … stop feeling like your own priorities always come last … this is the book for you. Start reclaiming your own life.

The Four Agreements: A Toltec Wisdom Book
Don Miguel Ruiz

When I kicked off this spiritual/self-discovery odyssey back in fall 2010, The Four Agreements was one of the first books I picked up with this theme. I’ve read it twice more and it’s an absolute favorite.

At 138 pages (if you read the prayers in the back), it’s a quick and easy read (you can easily get through it on a two-hour flight, even at a leisurely pace), but a profound one. I’ve gotten something new from it every time I’ve read it, and I look forward to picking through it again.

What are The Four Agreements? Labeled as “A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom,” it’s a code of conduct based on Toltec wisdom that examines the source of the emotional and belief-based limitations that keep us from fulfillment and self-actualization. Here’s the synopsis, taken straight from the inside cover:

Be Impeccable with Your Word: Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

Don’t Take Anything Personally (Penny note – the most powerful for me!): Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

Don’t Make Assumptions: Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness, and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

Always Do Your Best: Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.

This is a beautiful, meaningful book that bears such a wonderful message. I hope you’ll enjoy it as much as I did.