Dear Stranger at the Park …
I’m sorry if I came off as rude.
No. I’m really not sorry at all. The only thing I’m sorry about is that my first instinct is to still say “I’m sorry” when I don’t do what someone else wants or expects me to do.
I had stopped to get some food, eat and read for a few minutes, then get on with my errands and my evening. Striking up conversation wasn’t part of that plan, certainly not with strangers who imposed themselves into my space and ignored every physical cue I was giving that I really wanted to be left alone.
I was fine with telling you where I got the food, but when you kept asking questions I just gave you a nod and looked away. Thankfully you got it and left.
You likely walked away with an unfavorable impression of me, but really I don’t care. I know who I am, and I am comfortable with that, even the areas that could use work. I can’t control what other people think of me, and it’s none of my business anyway. I like myself a whole lot. No other opinion merits much value, if any. I’ve worked very hard to get here.
There are a whole lot of boundary-less people out there, and I used to be one of them. I did things I did not want to do for people who were not always nice or respectful to me, sometimes for people I really didn’t even like at all. But, I felt like I had to do this thing, these things they were requesting of me. To refuse would mean I wasn’t nice. I really wanted you – ALL OF YOU – to think I was nice. If you didn’t, it was just confirming some of the bad things I was already thinking about myself.
But I’d do these things I didn’t want to do, and I’d get resentful. Sometimes it would make me not very nice to be around. I could complain that I was coerced, but that wasn’t true. I had said yes, and sometimes I had even volunteered without being asked. It was nobody’s fault but mine.
Back in those days it seems like I had a lot of unhappy people around me … people who tried to prove their problems were the worst or their achievements were the greatest or whatever. They aren’t bad people, but they are wounded, and they were looking to other people and other factors outside of themselves to heal those wounds. One day, I decided I couldn’t be in the healing business anymore. I found out it was a bottomless pit and a never ending battle. So I gave up and focused on healing my own wounds instead.
And what do you know! Now I’m mostly surrounded by positive and happy people. Respectful and kind people. Once I stopped acting like a victim, I stopped attracting people to prey on me.
And so, stranger at the park, I guess that brings us to our encounter. My intuition told me you were the kind of person who did not easily take no for an answer, and I knew if I gave you any sort of entry point, that would be my own fault. I’d be pressed to answer questions I did not want to answer, desperately searching for an escape from something I allowed. So instead, I didn’t even let the cycle start. That’s why there was no smile or air of welcome from me.
I’m not sorry about seeming rude or unfriendly. But I am thankful to you. Today you showed me how much I have grown.
Ingredients for a Serene 2014
I’ll admit that 2013 wasn’t my favorite year, but I do think that in retrospect I’ll look back and see it was the one where I grew the most. It’s certainly ending a whole lot better than it started. I think the themes for this year could be “Painful Things that Led to Better Things,” Or “Laying the Foundation.”
I ended a relationship with someone I really didn’t want to leave behind, but it was becoming too detrimental to my sanity and peace of mind. I learned I had the courage to love myself enough to walk away from a situation that wasn’t giving me what I wanted and needed. I also learned that I can be quite content and peaceful in standing alone, because I can keep the focus on me for the time being. I also have complete faith that my Higher Power, which I call God, is going to deliver the right person to me. So I don’t need to worry or go out “hunting.” I just need to have patience.
I also had a situation of struggle at work that turned into something great … a new position with a lot of promise, working for someone I respect and like a whole lot. That was nothing other than the answer to a whole lot of prayers.
This was also the year that I found I liked sparkling water, distance running, and meditation. I can’t wait to see what I pick up next year!
I really believe that everything we encounter on the path happens for a reason – God has our best intentions in mind. If I let go and keep faith in the process, I’ll feel calm, serene, peaceful. My life will go more smoothly. But if I fight and struggle with it, everything will seem challenging and difficult.
That said, what am I aiming for in the coming year?
1. A mindset of abundance: I do feel that what we believe is what we will attract. If I feel like I am always lacking, always needing or wanting something, then the lack will become my way of life. If I focus on a belief in abundance, then what I already have will attract more. Louise Hay’s book You Can Heal Your Life talks about this in excellent detail.
2. A change in routine: I’ve set a goal to try at least two new things a month that are outside of my routine. I’m fortunate to live in a big city that offers a lot of possibility. I’ll soon be making a list of things that interest me – classes, activities, outings, volunteering – and deciding what I want to pursue.
3. Learn something new: A new language? Learning to code? A different type of fitness certification? Herbology and natural medicine? All of those things were flowing through my mind last night as I was lying in bed.
4. Have fun! I stole this straight from Buddhist Boot Camp’s Facebook post today: “Make a list of 10 things you enjoy doing, and do them often! We constantly make To-Do Lists of the things we “have to do”, and then we wonder why there’s no joy left in our lives. Remember to always add “have fun” to your list.”
What’s on your list for 2014?
Grateful for: Ownership, and Disownership
Here is just one way I can tell that I still have healing to do in this lifetime:
When I see someone doing something that just doesn’t seem “right” to me; when I see someone expecting another person to take responsibility for them; when someone acts toward me with what appears to be unkindness or selfish intent; when a painful memory from years past pops into my head …
And it bothers me.
The anger, resentment, irritability, whatever … that is a sign of healing left to be done. Whatever is pushing those buttons, chances are the buttons are actually woundedness from long ago. It’s not something that exists in the present, but I’ve still carried it with me.
Today I am expressing gratitude for ownership. I am able to own my thoughts, feelings, emotions, and overall spiritual well-being. I can own my happiness and take responsibility for it. I no longer view myself as a victim of life’s whims, because in every situation, I have a choice – whether it’s to walk away, keep on going, or just to simply choose a better outlook.
In that, I reclaim my power.
I also express gratitude for disownership. The thoughts, feelings, and emotions, and actions of another person don’t belong to me – even if that person says that I caused them. That’s because they, too, always have a choice. That’s not an excuse to act like a jerk and then feel like I have the right to get off scot-free. It is, however, a sanity saver when I catch myself feeling I need to behave or think in a certain way in order to gain someone’s approval or avoid their wrath. It’s also a concept that has helped me to offload mountains of guilt.
I hope that you’ll own this day, and all days, and seize it with all of your power – for kindness, joy, peace, and happiness.
“I Choose to be Free”
The title of this post is an affirmation I got today (Daily Affirm app, for those who are curious). After a few days of feeling a bit unsettled and tossed about, I felt like I was finally turning a corner and feeling like my normal self again. And it was a great reminder about how much of life comes down to choice.
Yesterday, a woman at my meditation group talked about learning the nuances of her emotions – optimistic, restless, anguished, irritated, and so on. I found that by learning the different shades of my emotions – and learning to feel them and correctly identify their source (sometimes, for me, they were not what they seemed) – I can make better choices for dealing with them. Sometimes that just means sitting through them and praying for help.
But what struck me most about this woman was saying is that how she learned to choose to stay to a more positive outlook – rather than sitting through an internal, self-created downpour and feeling like there was no way out of it. Instead of playing the role of victim, I can take responsibility for my outlook and therefore become empowered.
I was out with friends when we witnessed another woman first walk into a surprise birthday, and then receive a proposal from her boyfriend. I know that in the past I would’ve been straight-up jealous of this person. “Why can’t someone love me enough to do that for me? How come good things only happen to other people? Why aren’t I that lucky?” Me, me, me … poor, pitiful me.
Instead, I felt genuinely happy for her – I didn’t let jealousy eat away at my inner peace. But also, I realized I didn’t know a damn thing about that woman, her life, her pain, her joy, whatever. It was a celebratory moment. It wasn’t mine, but in a small way, I got to share in it.
I am choosing more to be grateful … to not fight the universe … to not fight and struggle with people and situations that are out of my control. I want to BE peace, and harmony, and loving-kindness.
That’s what I choose for me, and I am happy to make that choice.
Young Spirit, Old Soul 