Humility: A Gift
When you hear the word “humility,” what do you think?
This is my definition: Humility is a state of egolessness. It is a recognition of yourself as equal to the rest of humankind – no better, no less. It is a willingness to admit to flaws and defects. It is an act of submitting to a Higher Power, of admitting that there is a non-human power that is greater than you. It means “to be humble.”
It’s important to make the distinction between “humility” and “humiliation.” In my mind, humiliation is shame, being disgraced, degradation. I believe that humility is an inner state of being, while humiliation is often a reaction to external factors.
I suppose one of the most interesting things I’ve found is that the more confident I am in myself, the more I believe in my own inherent worth, the easier it is for me to be humble. I don’t need the false trappings of the ego to artificially inflate my value. Seems counterintuitive, does it not? And yet, I’ve found my ego and pride to be very shallow pools indeed. Those are things built up (or deflated) by the clothes I’m wearing, the balance in my bank account, the car I drive – or the clothes someone else is wearing, the balance in someone else’s bank account, the car that someone else drives.
Self-confidence, though, runs deep. It allows me to see people around me as my equal. I don’t relate to them from a “one up” or “one down” perspective. We all become precious children of God, each with a special place in the universe with unique gifts to offer. Nobody has to be perfect. They don’t have to be anything other than themselves.
These are the gifts of humility – acceptance, confidence, a sense of serenity. I strive to make it more central to my character. I will be humble. I will be grateful.
Giving Up
Sometimes, the hardest decision to make is when to give up.
In some cases, it’s crystal clear – like when the entrée you were making for a dinner party burns to a crisp and the guests are arriving in 15 minutes. Time to wave a dishtowel at the smoke alarm and grab your take-out menus.
But most things – especially important things – dwell in a shade of grey. Jobs, different kinds of relationships, activities or projects you’ve thrown your heart into … it’s often hard to know when to walk away or when to forge ahead.
I’ve had times when I’ve decided to leave something behind, only to have it come back to me in some manner. In those cases, I look at it as God telling me I still have things to learn from it … even if it still doesn’t work out in the end.
One bit of wisdom I heard about difficult decisions was to think of it like this: Does this situation leave you feeling drained, or can you still derive energy from it? It’s not always cut-and-dried, but something that constantly pulls you down is probably not a great situation for you.
So, as I face a few of my own hard choices, these are the questions and thoughts I’m keeping in mind:
- Is this situation barring me from meeting my goals and having the life that I want, or being the person I want to be? This is for long-range thinking … where do I want to be 5 or 10 years from now? How will this situation affect that?
- Does this decision affect other people, and in what ways? I’ve learned that you should never live your life with the goal of pleasing other people, or of living up to someone else’s agenda. But especially if you’re in a relationship, or if you have children, it’s important to consider a decision’s impact on them. It isn’t selfish to strive for the life of your dreams, but it becomes that way when it happens at someone else’s expense.
- How will I feel tomorrow? This is the “can you look yourself in the eye” question. What decision leaves you feeling proud of yourself?
- If there are certain aspects of this situation that don’t work for me right now, can they be changed – even if it’s just reframing my own attitude? This isn’t to say “put on a happy face” if things are legitimately bad. But especially if an alternative isn’t readily or easily available, sometimes the best you can do is to detach your emotions to the greatest degree possible, and look for happiness in other aspects of your life.
As I walk through these experiences, I also find frequent prayer and meditation are also helpful. If I do my best to turn problems over to my higher power, and genuinely ask for help with a willingness to receive it, I have found it will come to me … sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. But it will come.
You’re ALL Good
Feelings can be so darn inconvenient sometimes, no? There can be tears when you want them the least, anger when you’d rather just get along, jealousy and envy when you feel like you should just be happy for someone – hence producing guilt and shame, a whole other set of things you don’t want to feel.
Many of us have been socialized to believe that only certain feelings are acceptable. Usually, it’s something along the happy-content-complacent scale. Anger is to be stuffed, tears only shown at the appropriate moment (which is likely in private), and so on. Being pleasant and happy and “approachable” is often the mark we think we should hit 100 percent of the time.
But, here’s the rub. We’re human. Our feelings are natural and part of us, just like the physical parts of our body. Attempting to control what we’re feeling – when the basis of it is I shouldn’t be feeling this way – only leads to more emotional destruction later on. We learn to not feel certain things, or to express those feelings inappropriately, or to not even express them at all.
In my journey of self-discovery and growth, I’ve had to learn that all of my feelings are OK, that they aren’t necessarily facts, they aren’t fatal, and that they will pass – good and bad. They also belong to me and me alone. Nobody else has the right to control them, and ultimately, no one else can. I’ll keep on feeling whatever I’m feeling no matter what someone else says I should feel.
All of your feelings are yours, and they are precious. Recognize them, honor them, learn how they influence you. Express your truth as honestly and appropriately as possible. Give yourself that measure of acceptance. You’re worth it.
Where I End, and You Begin
At one point, I pretty much had no idea what the word “boundary” meant, in a personal sense. If you told me who or what I was, I believed you wholeheartedly. If you said I was smart or pretty or cool, it was true. If you said I was bad or selfish or somehow messed up, I believed that too. I didn’t know who I was. I was looking for you to tell me.
Thankfully, those days are behind me. I have a good sense of who I am and who I’m not. I know I can’t change myself or act any differently than who I am and expect good results in the long-term. I can only be who I am – and I know there’s a lot of good in that person. I know there are limits too, but I’m OK with that. None of us came equipped without our share of flaws, but it’s all a part of our whole.
Very recently, I finally came to believe one very important thing: There isn’t anything on this earth – no situation I encounter, no victory, no loss, no material item, no relationship – that’s going to increase or decrease my inherent worth.
My wish is that you, too, will come to believe this for yourself. You have value, you have something to contribute. You have a right to be here.
Please know this, if nothing else. Know it, and believe in it.
Tools for Healing
As I shared in my last post, I’ve been struggling lately, having more down days than true “good” ones. As I delve into the sources of what’s keeping me from feeling joyful, I have found it important to take certain actions that can move me toward healing. And while I continue to struggle, these are things that have been helping me get through, even if it’s just in the moment.
Journaling: It seems logical that a blogger would also love to keep a journal, right? While this blog is something of a journal on my spiritual and emotional growth, what I write in my pen-and-paper journal is much more personal. It’s the one place I can be gut-wrenchingly honest with no concern for the consequences. Sometimes, it just really helps to get the thoughts and feelings out of your head and down onto paper. I sometimes vary in my discipline with keeping a journal, but I’ve found I do best when I write something every day – even if it’s only a couple of sentences.
Prayer and meditation: One of the first posts I made on this blog was about the importance of finding a Higher Power, whatever you call it – God, the Universe, the Force. It’s my opinion that you can only find a true sense of inner peace and serenity when you discover and believe that there is something/someone more powerful than you or any other force on this earth, who can guide and sustain you and loves you no matter what. The difference between prayer and meditation is this: Prayer is when we ask God for things, and meditation is when we listen for the answers. Meditation is a practice and discipline and there is no wrong way to do it, but it gets better the more often you take part. If you’re interested in trying it in a group setting, Meetup.com has listings for meditation groups in many cities.
Exercise: Yes, I am a fitness freak! Exercise releases feel-good endorphins and moves oxygenated blood through your body. It’s a good way to connect your mind and body and put yourself in a more positive frame of mind.
Yoga: This is an ancient practice with many different forms; many call it a “moving meditation.” I personally take part in Bikram yoga, aka “hot yoga,” where the room is cranked up to 100+ degrees F and you sweat and stretch your troubles away. Since I started, I notice that my flexibility has improved and I have less tension in my shoulders and back, but more importantly it’s 90 minutes where I can really focus on clearing my head. There are many different disciplines and studios often have introductory rates for those looking to try it out. Try some different classes and find the one that’s a good fit for you.
Self-care: Exercise falls into this realm, but so does adequate sleep and a healthy diet. Making healthy choices can have an impact on your emotional well-being, too.
Splurges: I’m not really talking diamond jewelry or Caribbean vacations here (though, those things do have their place). If you’ve been working hard, treat yourself sometimes. For me, that might be a new pair of shoes, a manicure, or a gourmet chocolate bar.
This list is just a starter. Take some time to have a little fun! Spend time with friends, allow yourself to laugh, allow yourself to play.
Young Spirit, Old Soul 