Perspective (Or, the lack thereof)
So, where have I been, you ask?
Oh, here and there.
But mostly, I’ve been in my head.
I could spend hours, days, weeks up in that room, inviting no guests, stocking my freezer in advance so I could shelter in place, live as something of a recluse.
I’ve been ruminating, tumbling thoughts over and over again like sheets in the dryer. Things I want for the future, things I regret from the past. Things I hope to achieve in my career, and the day-to-day tasks that might get me there. Things to ask for, things to reject. Things to do before one work trip, one weekend trip, another work trip. A mental calendar that seems full until the days tick by.
And yet, as I mentally wandered between one self-imposed crisis to the next, my sense of disconnection grew, eased momentarily here and there, but never fully subsiding. It’s a spiritual disconnection, and an emotional one too. Walking away from meditation, prayer, journaling … not identifying my feelings, just looking for the next “to-do.”
The last couple of days I have prayed for the willingness to connect again, to be present, to turn off the lights and come downstairs.
Life is downstairs. I was snapped out of this tonight upon hearing news of a friend’s very serious and difficult struggle. And I realized that while I am living in a time of transition, in more ways than one, it’s not really something worthy of a “crisis” label. It’s a time that will lead me to important things, but it’s also a time that will weave into the fabric of the past.
My task, then, is to be present in this day, this minute. Being present means being free. I am ready to let go, to release the problems I can’t solve, to stop believing I can control the future just by thinking about it a lot.
I am here, or I am trying to be. At least, I’m ready to come back.
You’re ALL Good
Feelings can be so darn inconvenient sometimes, no? There can be tears when you want them the least, anger when you’d rather just get along, jealousy and envy when you feel like you should just be happy for someone – hence producing guilt and shame, a whole other set of things you don’t want to feel.
Many of us have been socialized to believe that only certain feelings are acceptable. Usually, it’s something along the happy-content-complacent scale. Anger is to be stuffed, tears only shown at the appropriate moment (which is likely in private), and so on. Being pleasant and happy and “approachable” is often the mark we think we should hit 100 percent of the time.
But, here’s the rub. We’re human. Our feelings are natural and part of us, just like the physical parts of our body. Attempting to control what we’re feeling – when the basis of it is I shouldn’t be feeling this way – only leads to more emotional destruction later on. We learn to not feel certain things, or to express those feelings inappropriately, or to not even express them at all.
In my journey of self-discovery and growth, I’ve had to learn that all of my feelings are OK, that they aren’t necessarily facts, they aren’t fatal, and that they will pass – good and bad. They also belong to me and me alone. Nobody else has the right to control them, and ultimately, no one else can. I’ll keep on feeling whatever I’m feeling no matter what someone else says I should feel.
All of your feelings are yours, and they are precious. Recognize them, honor them, learn how they influence you. Express your truth as honestly and appropriately as possible. Give yourself that measure of acceptance. You’re worth it.
Where I End, and You Begin
At one point, I pretty much had no idea what the word “boundary” meant, in a personal sense. If you told me who or what I was, I believed you wholeheartedly. If you said I was smart or pretty or cool, it was true. If you said I was bad or selfish or somehow messed up, I believed that too. I didn’t know who I was. I was looking for you to tell me.
Thankfully, those days are behind me. I have a good sense of who I am and who I’m not. I know I can’t change myself or act any differently than who I am and expect good results in the long-term. I can only be who I am – and I know there’s a lot of good in that person. I know there are limits too, but I’m OK with that. None of us came equipped without our share of flaws, but it’s all a part of our whole.
Very recently, I finally came to believe one very important thing: There isn’t anything on this earth – no situation I encounter, no victory, no loss, no material item, no relationship – that’s going to increase or decrease my inherent worth.
My wish is that you, too, will come to believe this for yourself. You have value, you have something to contribute. You have a right to be here.
Please know this, if nothing else. Know it, and believe in it.
The God of Your Understanding
This past weekend, I was part of a discussion where everyone was asked to share their idea of God – the God of their understanding. It turned out to be an insightful and fascinating discussion. As I’ve said on here before, I don’t think of God (or the Higher Power, if you will) as a one-size-fits-all deity. In fact, I’ve even found in my own journey, my idea of God has evolved and changed and grown.
Since I started to feel that I was “OK with God” (in other words, not too messed up for him to love me), and that it was OK for me to really believe and trust in this higher power, there are some characteristics that have remained as constants:
1. This God is loving. Why would I put faith into something that’s scornful and punishing?
2. This God is stronger than me. I can surrender my problems, my pain, and ask for the burden to be lightened. It’s worked for me, many times.
3. This God has a plan for me that will be revealed if I really listen for it – and it’s greater than what I can come up with on my own. And it feels a heck of a lot better than trying to “fight the universe” or forcing decisions that just don’t work for me.
But, there have been some changes too. As I’ve gotten away from a formal church environment and found other places and ways to develop my relationship with God, the way I interpret God has changed too: I now see God less as an “outside entity” and more like something that’s a part of me, something I carry around all the time. I think this part of being mindful – I really try to avoid doing things that go against my spirit. Most of the time, I know when that’s happening. (And I’m far from perfect on this, but it’s cool – I try to get it right next time.)
I’m sure this idea of God will grow and change for me as time goes on. That’s OK – I’m growing and changing too.
“As Within, So Without”
I’m an absolute believer that what you’re feeling inside is going to ultimately reflect out into the world – the energy you project is what you’re going to attract in return. If you’re kind and friendly on the outside but not loving yourself very much on the inside, you’ll likely have relationships with people who take advantage of that in some regard – whether it’s actual material gain, or just putting you down in order to feel better about themselves. Likewise, if you’re confident, loving toward yourself, and accepting of others, the relationships you cultivate are likely to reflect that too. Slowly, you’ll move away from negative, destructive people, and instead embrace the more positive and loving ones.
The title of this post came from a quote I saw on PurposeFairy and I thought it was just perfect. Specifically, it was this great post about a 21-day meditation challenge, something I’ve decided to try for myself. I’ve had a sporadic meditation practice going on for a while now, but I think the time has come to really add some discipline to it. (I downloaded the Omvana app too … very excited to see what it offers, and will give an update once I find out!)
Lots of people hear about meditation and think there’s no way they can do it. They picture cross-legged monks in sandals and robes, levitating off the ground and achieving some other-worldly sense of enlightenment. But they don’t picture everyday people, you and me, just sitting quietly for a dedicated amount of time each day to clear and refresh their minds. To me, that last part is really the most basic essence of meditation.
Remember, too, that meditation is called a practice for a reason – it’s not something you’re born knowing how to do right away. It’s an acquired skill, just like playing the piano or learning how to make the perfect loaf of sourdough bread. The more you try it, the better you become.
So, how does one get started on this practice? Surely, there are a million books and online resources, but these are a few things I’ve found helpful:
(1) Set aside a time to do it, faithfully, each day: It could be early in the morning, right after you get up. Maybe there’s a time in the afternoon you can set aside. Make it a part of your daily schedule and routine, and soon it will be a habit.
(2) Focus on your breathing: This will help you draw your awareness back into your body and the present moment. Sometimes it help to focus on one element of the breath – the air filling your lungs, the exhale, the rise or fall of your stomach, and so on.
(3) Let thoughts flow through your mind: Thoughts are going to arise. You’ll be distracted by the sounds around you. That’s OK. Let those things pass through your mind, then let them go and let them float away.
(4) Eyes open? Eyes closed? There are differing opinions on this, but for me, as a beginner, I find eyes closed to usually be a better place to start. You could also focus a soft gaze on something – a candle’s flame, a point in the distance where the treetops meet the sky, a blank wall.
(5) Be present, present, present: Surrender completely to all that is around you – the sounds, the feeling of the chair beneath you, the temperature of the room, and so on. For just this moment, let go of the past and don’t worry about the future – focus all of your energy on the absolute present.
Young Spirit, Old Soul 