Giving Up
Sometimes, the hardest decision to make is when to give up.
In some cases, it’s crystal clear – like when the entrée you were making for a dinner party burns to a crisp and the guests are arriving in 15 minutes. Time to wave a dishtowel at the smoke alarm and grab your take-out menus.
But most things – especially important things – dwell in a shade of grey. Jobs, different kinds of relationships, activities or projects you’ve thrown your heart into … it’s often hard to know when to walk away or when to forge ahead.
I’ve had times when I’ve decided to leave something behind, only to have it come back to me in some manner. In those cases, I look at it as God telling me I still have things to learn from it … even if it still doesn’t work out in the end.
One bit of wisdom I heard about difficult decisions was to think of it like this: Does this situation leave you feeling drained, or can you still derive energy from it? It’s not always cut-and-dried, but something that constantly pulls you down is probably not a great situation for you.
So, as I face a few of my own hard choices, these are the questions and thoughts I’m keeping in mind:
- Is this situation barring me from meeting my goals and having the life that I want, or being the person I want to be? This is for long-range thinking … where do I want to be 5 or 10 years from now? How will this situation affect that?
- Does this decision affect other people, and in what ways? I’ve learned that you should never live your life with the goal of pleasing other people, or of living up to someone else’s agenda. But especially if you’re in a relationship, or if you have children, it’s important to consider a decision’s impact on them. It isn’t selfish to strive for the life of your dreams, but it becomes that way when it happens at someone else’s expense.
- How will I feel tomorrow? This is the “can you look yourself in the eye” question. What decision leaves you feeling proud of yourself?
- If there are certain aspects of this situation that don’t work for me right now, can they be changed – even if it’s just reframing my own attitude? This isn’t to say “put on a happy face” if things are legitimately bad. But especially if an alternative isn’t readily or easily available, sometimes the best you can do is to detach your emotions to the greatest degree possible, and look for happiness in other aspects of your life.
As I walk through these experiences, I also find frequent prayer and meditation are also helpful. If I do my best to turn problems over to my higher power, and genuinely ask for help with a willingness to receive it, I have found it will come to me … sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. But it will come.
Perspective (Or, the lack thereof)
So, where have I been, you ask?
Oh, here and there.
But mostly, I’ve been in my head.
I could spend hours, days, weeks up in that room, inviting no guests, stocking my freezer in advance so I could shelter in place, live as something of a recluse.
I’ve been ruminating, tumbling thoughts over and over again like sheets in the dryer. Things I want for the future, things I regret from the past. Things I hope to achieve in my career, and the day-to-day tasks that might get me there. Things to ask for, things to reject. Things to do before one work trip, one weekend trip, another work trip. A mental calendar that seems full until the days tick by.
And yet, as I mentally wandered between one self-imposed crisis to the next, my sense of disconnection grew, eased momentarily here and there, but never fully subsiding. It’s a spiritual disconnection, and an emotional one too. Walking away from meditation, prayer, journaling … not identifying my feelings, just looking for the next “to-do.”
The last couple of days I have prayed for the willingness to connect again, to be present, to turn off the lights and come downstairs.
Life is downstairs. I was snapped out of this tonight upon hearing news of a friend’s very serious and difficult struggle. And I realized that while I am living in a time of transition, in more ways than one, it’s not really something worthy of a “crisis” label. It’s a time that will lead me to important things, but it’s also a time that will weave into the fabric of the past.
My task, then, is to be present in this day, this minute. Being present means being free. I am ready to let go, to release the problems I can’t solve, to stop believing I can control the future just by thinking about it a lot.
I am here, or I am trying to be. At least, I’m ready to come back.
Down. Not Out.
First, my apologies for being absent for a few days. It’s true, certain things got in the way. Traveling; remote meetings for work and a brief visit home. My job itself has been very busy. There have been plans and chores and obligations. Life. Life has gotten in the way.
But beyond all that, the real reason why I’ve stayed away is because I’m struggling. I have a lot of days of feeling sad. I often feel lonely even though the days have been scarce where I haven’t talked to at least one friend, and many weekends since I haven’t seen them. It’s hard to feel like I’m writing the appropriate content for a blog that’s purportedly about finding serenity and spiritual growth when it seems I’m lacking so much in both right now. But I also realize that struggles are part of the journey. Ultimately, this blog is about my journey.
I had plans for yoga tonight – even got up early for 5:45 am cycling so I could get in some cardio today and keep the evening free – but here I sit, on my couch, comfy clothes and jazz music. Part of it is crummy weather, cold and rainy. But instead of beating myself up for not meeting a self-created obligation (an old, familiar habit), I’m just accepting that this is where I am today. I need rest. I need a cozy night at home.
These “down days” have actually stretched behind me for a ways, and sometimes I shed tears over the fact that it doesn’t feel fair. I’m working so hard to understand my emotions and take responsibility for my peace and happiness. Why are despair and hopelessness part of the deal too? I cry when I pray, asking God why I’m experiencing this. I don’t believe he wants me to hurt. My true belief is that when the light does come in again, it will be so much brighter.
Even though my surface feels wounded, intellectually it doesn’t feel like the truth of who I am. I know greater things are coming my way. I know that I am going to achieve so much more, climb so much higher. I believe that the things I desire for myself really are going to come my way because I’m finally not afraid to ask for them. I’m no longer afraid that merely by admitting I want them, I will somehow curse my fate and therefore ensure they won’t be mine. This is where I know I really have grown – my self-defeating attitude has gone by the wayside.
And so, I am sorry that I haven’t been here as much, because that isn’t my intent. I figured I’d have more social media up and running by now, that there’d be more voices in this little community I’m hoping to build. But right now I don’t have the energy to reach out … I can only reach inside to pull myself up. I’m still here, but first and foremost I have to be here for me.
Flying out of the Pigeonhole
It’s come to my attention in the last few days that I get bothered – really bothered – when it feels like someone is pigeonholing me. As in, someone apparently only seeing me a certain way or with certain qualities, and then me presenting evidence that goes against how they see me, and these people expressing some kind of disbelief about it.
It could be “since when did you get so happy?” or “I thought you said you didn’t like avocado” – based on a conversation from 15 years prior. “Since when did you get interested in this God stuff?” Or some theme of “oh, don’t worry, I know you … I’m sure you’ll change your mind.”
On their side, I realize I don’t have true insights into another person’s thought patterns, but I’m guessing they’re uncomfortable with “change” in general. If I’m not the assumptions and reality they think they know, what does that say about their reality? Is it possible they could be … wrong? Maybe they’re doing they’re own version of “if you are ______, then I am ______.”
On my side, I know the fact this bothers me is that (1) I’m perceiving this as criticism, and (2) I’m feeling as though this person isn’t accepting me. In reality, I guess they’re not, but it’s my piece to own … they didn’t “make me” feel that way; it’s my own perception of the situation. I also know that in the past, I did a lot of compartmentalizing to only present myself as a certain way to certain people. Whatever I thought would make you like me, that’s the person I’d try to be. Ergo, this pigeonholing, in some cases, could be fallout from my past emotional limitations.
I think it gets to be very limiting when we can only see people through a narrow scope. If you only encountered me on this blog, you’ve maybe formed an opinion about what I’m like “in real life.” Maybe you think I’m always happy, gracious, accepting. I can tell you that is NOT the case. I have rough days. I can be judgmental. I have a sarcastic and biting sense of humor. I get angry. I swear. Sometimes loudly.
But these are pieces of my overall being. No single element makes up the whole of who I am. Human beings have a richness about them that is deep and multifaceted. To interpret people so rigidly is restrictive and unfair. And to be sure, I know I’ve done this myself. I make assumptions about how certain people are going to act/react before I even encounter them. I’m working on that.
How do you feel “pigeonholed”?
Young Spirit, Old Soul 