Giving Up
Sometimes, the hardest decision to make is when to give up.
In some cases, it’s crystal clear – like when the entrée you were making for a dinner party burns to a crisp and the guests are arriving in 15 minutes. Time to wave a dishtowel at the smoke alarm and grab your take-out menus.
But most things – especially important things – dwell in a shade of grey. Jobs, different kinds of relationships, activities or projects you’ve thrown your heart into … it’s often hard to know when to walk away or when to forge ahead.
I’ve had times when I’ve decided to leave something behind, only to have it come back to me in some manner. In those cases, I look at it as God telling me I still have things to learn from it … even if it still doesn’t work out in the end.
One bit of wisdom I heard about difficult decisions was to think of it like this: Does this situation leave you feeling drained, or can you still derive energy from it? It’s not always cut-and-dried, but something that constantly pulls you down is probably not a great situation for you.
So, as I face a few of my own hard choices, these are the questions and thoughts I’m keeping in mind:
- Is this situation barring me from meeting my goals and having the life that I want, or being the person I want to be? This is for long-range thinking … where do I want to be 5 or 10 years from now? How will this situation affect that?
- Does this decision affect other people, and in what ways? I’ve learned that you should never live your life with the goal of pleasing other people, or of living up to someone else’s agenda. But especially if you’re in a relationship, or if you have children, it’s important to consider a decision’s impact on them. It isn’t selfish to strive for the life of your dreams, but it becomes that way when it happens at someone else’s expense.
- How will I feel tomorrow? This is the “can you look yourself in the eye” question. What decision leaves you feeling proud of yourself?
- If there are certain aspects of this situation that don’t work for me right now, can they be changed – even if it’s just reframing my own attitude? This isn’t to say “put on a happy face” if things are legitimately bad. But especially if an alternative isn’t readily or easily available, sometimes the best you can do is to detach your emotions to the greatest degree possible, and look for happiness in other aspects of your life.
As I walk through these experiences, I also find frequent prayer and meditation are also helpful. If I do my best to turn problems over to my higher power, and genuinely ask for help with a willingness to receive it, I have found it will come to me … sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. But it will come.
The God of Your Understanding
This past weekend, I was part of a discussion where everyone was asked to share their idea of God – the God of their understanding. It turned out to be an insightful and fascinating discussion. As I’ve said on here before, I don’t think of God (or the Higher Power, if you will) as a one-size-fits-all deity. In fact, I’ve even found in my own journey, my idea of God has evolved and changed and grown.
Since I started to feel that I was “OK with God” (in other words, not too messed up for him to love me), and that it was OK for me to really believe and trust in this higher power, there are some characteristics that have remained as constants:
1. This God is loving. Why would I put faith into something that’s scornful and punishing?
2. This God is stronger than me. I can surrender my problems, my pain, and ask for the burden to be lightened. It’s worked for me, many times.
3. This God has a plan for me that will be revealed if I really listen for it – and it’s greater than what I can come up with on my own. And it feels a heck of a lot better than trying to “fight the universe” or forcing decisions that just don’t work for me.
But, there have been some changes too. As I’ve gotten away from a formal church environment and found other places and ways to develop my relationship with God, the way I interpret God has changed too: I now see God less as an “outside entity” and more like something that’s a part of me, something I carry around all the time. I think this part of being mindful – I really try to avoid doing things that go against my spirit. Most of the time, I know when that’s happening. (And I’m far from perfect on this, but it’s cool – I try to get it right next time.)
I’m sure this idea of God will grow and change for me as time goes on. That’s OK – I’m growing and changing too.
“As Within, So Without”
I’m an absolute believer that what you’re feeling inside is going to ultimately reflect out into the world – the energy you project is what you’re going to attract in return. If you’re kind and friendly on the outside but not loving yourself very much on the inside, you’ll likely have relationships with people who take advantage of that in some regard – whether it’s actual material gain, or just putting you down in order to feel better about themselves. Likewise, if you’re confident, loving toward yourself, and accepting of others, the relationships you cultivate are likely to reflect that too. Slowly, you’ll move away from negative, destructive people, and instead embrace the more positive and loving ones.
The title of this post came from a quote I saw on PurposeFairy and I thought it was just perfect. Specifically, it was this great post about a 21-day meditation challenge, something I’ve decided to try for myself. I’ve had a sporadic meditation practice going on for a while now, but I think the time has come to really add some discipline to it. (I downloaded the Omvana app too … very excited to see what it offers, and will give an update once I find out!)
Lots of people hear about meditation and think there’s no way they can do it. They picture cross-legged monks in sandals and robes, levitating off the ground and achieving some other-worldly sense of enlightenment. But they don’t picture everyday people, you and me, just sitting quietly for a dedicated amount of time each day to clear and refresh their minds. To me, that last part is really the most basic essence of meditation.
Remember, too, that meditation is called a practice for a reason – it’s not something you’re born knowing how to do right away. It’s an acquired skill, just like playing the piano or learning how to make the perfect loaf of sourdough bread. The more you try it, the better you become.
So, how does one get started on this practice? Surely, there are a million books and online resources, but these are a few things I’ve found helpful:
(1) Set aside a time to do it, faithfully, each day: It could be early in the morning, right after you get up. Maybe there’s a time in the afternoon you can set aside. Make it a part of your daily schedule and routine, and soon it will be a habit.
(2) Focus on your breathing: This will help you draw your awareness back into your body and the present moment. Sometimes it help to focus on one element of the breath – the air filling your lungs, the exhale, the rise or fall of your stomach, and so on.
(3) Let thoughts flow through your mind: Thoughts are going to arise. You’ll be distracted by the sounds around you. That’s OK. Let those things pass through your mind, then let them go and let them float away.
(4) Eyes open? Eyes closed? There are differing opinions on this, but for me, as a beginner, I find eyes closed to usually be a better place to start. You could also focus a soft gaze on something – a candle’s flame, a point in the distance where the treetops meet the sky, a blank wall.
(5) Be present, present, present: Surrender completely to all that is around you – the sounds, the feeling of the chair beneath you, the temperature of the room, and so on. For just this moment, let go of the past and don’t worry about the future – focus all of your energy on the absolute present.
Down. Not Out.
First, my apologies for being absent for a few days. It’s true, certain things got in the way. Traveling; remote meetings for work and a brief visit home. My job itself has been very busy. There have been plans and chores and obligations. Life. Life has gotten in the way.
But beyond all that, the real reason why I’ve stayed away is because I’m struggling. I have a lot of days of feeling sad. I often feel lonely even though the days have been scarce where I haven’t talked to at least one friend, and many weekends since I haven’t seen them. It’s hard to feel like I’m writing the appropriate content for a blog that’s purportedly about finding serenity and spiritual growth when it seems I’m lacking so much in both right now. But I also realize that struggles are part of the journey. Ultimately, this blog is about my journey.
I had plans for yoga tonight – even got up early for 5:45 am cycling so I could get in some cardio today and keep the evening free – but here I sit, on my couch, comfy clothes and jazz music. Part of it is crummy weather, cold and rainy. But instead of beating myself up for not meeting a self-created obligation (an old, familiar habit), I’m just accepting that this is where I am today. I need rest. I need a cozy night at home.
These “down days” have actually stretched behind me for a ways, and sometimes I shed tears over the fact that it doesn’t feel fair. I’m working so hard to understand my emotions and take responsibility for my peace and happiness. Why are despair and hopelessness part of the deal too? I cry when I pray, asking God why I’m experiencing this. I don’t believe he wants me to hurt. My true belief is that when the light does come in again, it will be so much brighter.
Even though my surface feels wounded, intellectually it doesn’t feel like the truth of who I am. I know greater things are coming my way. I know that I am going to achieve so much more, climb so much higher. I believe that the things I desire for myself really are going to come my way because I’m finally not afraid to ask for them. I’m no longer afraid that merely by admitting I want them, I will somehow curse my fate and therefore ensure they won’t be mine. This is where I know I really have grown – my self-defeating attitude has gone by the wayside.
And so, I am sorry that I haven’t been here as much, because that isn’t my intent. I figured I’d have more social media up and running by now, that there’d be more voices in this little community I’m hoping to build. But right now I don’t have the energy to reach out … I can only reach inside to pull myself up. I’m still here, but first and foremost I have to be here for me.
Gettin’ Religion on Spirituality
“Religion is for people who are afraid of going to hell. Spirituality is for people who’ve already been there.”
I open with that quote because I want to make it clear that this is NOT a post about religion. I’m not interested in talking about what you should or should not believe, what denomination is the “right one,” or whose God is correct. This is a bash-free zone. This post is about what it means to be spiritually connected.
I didn’t grow up with much of a religious or spiritual background. As I came into adulthood, I figured church was a good idea – for other people. I thought I was too broken for God to love me, that I wasn’t living the right kind of life and really didn’t care to make those kinds of changes. It looked like a lot of judgment and shame. No thank you.
With those kinds of messages being a common theme, it’s not surprising that a lot of people feel the same way. Atheism seems to be a popular pick among folks asked to identify their religion. We were all fed someone else’s idea of God – and some of us got a heapin’ helpin’ of scorn from people who said we weren’t living a “Godly life.” These people had appointed themselves as God’s ambassador here on earth, just dying to set us all straight and tell us what we should be doing to “get right.”
I’m here to beg of you: Cast that off. Right now.
Here’s one thing that I absolutely believe: There is no way to cultivate a true sense of serenity, surrender, and inner peace without faith and trust in a power greater than you. You can call that power God, Buddha, Yahweh, Allah, the universe, the human collective. It could be mother nature. It could be the wind, or the sun. It could be a freakin’ pack of turkey hot dogs (though things without expiration dates tend to have better shelf life as a higher power). It is absolutely your belief to own and mold as it fits you. It doesn’t belong to anyone else but you.
In the face of a personal crisis, I began to find the importance of developing a relationship with God. My definition is more closely attuned to the Christian tradition, but remember – that’s MY belief! I was in church nearly every week for about two years, for much of that time lucky to encounter a priest who had a very loving, centered message. He has since moved away, and I miss that leadership, but I still have God, and I actually feel closer to him than ever before.
I’m not a regular church attender anymore, mostly because I have not found another church home to replace the one I miss so dearly. The “human message” got too much in the way at some of the other places I tried. I will also note that my definition of God has changed and grown as I have. At the present time, I don’t need the overwrap of formal ceremony to feel close to God, but I have also very much respected and loved the reverence of that ceremony.
This piece of my spiritual development has been absolutely key to feeling at peace. I feel loved, from both my higher power and myself. I feel supported. I trust that no matter what hard times I’m facing now, it’s all part of the unfolding master plan. I wouldn’t say that I never worry, but I certainly worry a whole lot less.
In short, I stopped centering my faith around other people, and instead centered my faith around God. I had to find my own meaning of God first, and not someone else’s. For me, it’s worked.
What do you do to feel spiritually connected? What is your definition of a higher power?
Young Spirit, Old Soul 