Confession: My Love-Hate Relationship with Facebook
For as much as a lot of folks complain about Facebook, I actually don’t mind it too much. For one, it keeps me connected to people I’m pretty sure I would’ve lost touch with years ago. I’m also pretty good at keeping it in perspective, that for the most part people are only sharing their “best moments” on there. So the folks who look like they have the great relationships or awesome vacations or super-nice whatever thingy aren’t also posting about the big fight they had the night before, or when they almost got fired at work, or when they found themselves in massive debt, or when they did things of which they weren’t so proud. In some ways, Facebook is a continuous TV commercial about life.
I’m not one of those folks who gets on Facebook to continually complain about Facebook, and that’s not what this is about. My opinion is that each of us is personally responsible for either keeping or rejecting the things in life that are useful and of service to us, or not so. Yeah, Facebook is going to show you ads you don’t want to see, send you requests for games you don’t want to play, and so on. It’s their business model. They are a business. It’s how they generate revenue. So, if this were too uncomfortable to me, I would delete my account and move on. And, confession time – I have been known to block people from my newsfeed who I find too dramatic or whiny or generally toxic, or even block them from seeing my own updates. Again, it’s not that I dislike those people. But I’m taking responsibility for setting boundaries and what comes into my space.
But I noticed something about myself on FB that could use some work. I live in a place that is much, much different from the place where I grew up. I’m in a big city where people make a lot of money, have high-pressure careers, have big fancy degrees, travel the world, drive fancy cars, live in expensive houses, etc. It’s a place that values Success, with a capital S. Don’t take this as me saying that people are “bad” for having those things. Not at all – they have all worked very hard for the things they have. But it’s a lot different from the place where I was raised, where things are simpler, perhaps more laid-back. It’s a different way of life. (But in my blood, I also know that I belong in the big city and am much happier here than I would be back where I came from.)
Opportunity maybe isn’t as easy to come by in the place where I grew up. The socioeconomics are different. I guess you could say that in some sense, I feel like where I live now is for those of us who “made it out.” But I know not everyone shares that sentiment, and I know that’s a judgmental thing to say. I was privileged to get an education and to travel on a successful career path that’s given me a decent income and the luxury of a lot of great experiences along the way. A lot of folks back where I came from haven’t lead that kind of life.
And here is where I’m not proud of myself. I notice myself looking at status updates, forming an opinion about other people’s lives, and pitying some of the folks “left behind.” Pity does not equate kindness. It means that I think I am somehow superior to these other people. Somehow, I have made myself “better” than the others. But how can I be “better” than my fellow human beings, when God created all of us equally? This is nothing more than my ego at work.
It’s true that I don’t see eye-to-eye with a lot of people from my home state – culturally, politically, spiritually. But in no way does it make any of us superior to the other. It’s something I need to remind myself, over and over again. Even the person who wishes me ill is not lower than me. I strive to believe that not just because I want to be “nice,” but because there is a sense of inner peace and harmony that stems from it. The less I allow my ego to be in charge, the more peaceful I feel – at all times.
And so, I’m striving to look at every single person as God’s own precious child – not for me to judge, condemn, or scorn, but for me to love as part of our collective human spirit.
“The hardest thing you’ll do today is quiet your mind.”
We’re balancing on one leg, pulling our back leg up high, higher than our heads. We’re trying to take our foreheads to our knees; the tops of our heads to the floor. Oh, and the room is 106 degrees. Over and over again, the yoga instructor’s refrain is: “The hardest thing you’ll do today in class is quiet your mind.”
Oh, so true.
After many starts and stops, I seem to have truly and legitimately started and stuck to a meditation practice. I’ve been doing it every day for about the past month, usually in the evening, right before bed. It’s a great way to quiet my mind, and I think it’s helping me to sleep more soundly and deeply. I find I really look forward to that space of time where I can really just sit quietly and breathe.
Meditation can certainly be intimidating, because lots of us focus on doing it “perfectly.” We think that unless we can totally clear our minds, and keep them clear for an extended period of time, then we aren’t doing it right. So, why even try?
I’ve discovered that meditation can be many different things, and even I don’t approach it the same way every time. Here are the many different faces it’s taken on for me:
1. Guided meditation: This is a great way for beginners to try it out, and for experienced folks to try something new. I use the Omvana app on my iPhone; there are many different podcasts and thousands of other recordings out there you can use for this purpose. I do my best to focus only on the words being spoken.
2. Affirmations: Sometimes I will pick a topic I want to focus on – a feeling I want to cultivate, a goal I’m seeking, a spiritual or emotional change I want to make – then concentrate on that topic for a specified period of time, usually about 10-15 minutes. (I use binaural sounds or white noise as a background with this.) It might be focusing on overcoming a fear, saying kind and loving things to myself, cultivating a sense of gratitude and peace, and so on. When my mind starts to drift I just gently bring it back to the affirmation I’m using that day.
3. The vision exercise: Remember my previous post about building the life you want through belief? This goes to that end. I’ll think of what it would look like and feel like if I became everything I wanted to be, and if all of my desires were fulfilled. A few years back, many people became devotees of “The Secret,” and I’ll admit that I scoffed at the notion … seemed like a bunch of hocus-pocus, just another spiritual fad perpetuated by Oprah, a woman who seemed to already have everything she could ever want. But now I’m thinking the tenets of that actually do work, if you truly believe it deeply enough, and, beyond everything, truly feel worthy of it. It all begins with the deep belief that you are worthy of getting the things you want, and capable of achieving them.
4. The quiet mind: I meet with a meditation group regularly, and this is the approach I most often take in that setting. (I do this in yoga as well.) I try my best to be absolutely present in the situation, to concentrate on how the chair feels below me, the sounds of the room around me, the temperature of the air, and so on. It’s hard for me to hold onto that mental silence for an extended period of time, so I will often bring a simple affirmation into it in order to refocus myself.
There are many ways to think about “what meditation is” and its benefits. Some say that prayer is asking God for things, and meditation is listening for the answer. Some say it’s a way to manifest beliefs and to improve concentration. Some say it’s simply a means of growing more peaceful and serene. Whatever you’d like to get from it, I hope you’ll try it out. Like everything else, it gets better with practice!
I wish you all a peaceful, present, quiet mind.
Selling Fear? I’m Not Buying
Alexandra Petri is an excellent writer for the Washington Post. She’s featured on the ComPost blog but also writes a delightful column that appears in the Saturday print edition. Sadly, I’ve been unable to find those print columns online. I really wanted to share her July 27 entry with you, because it was nothing short of brilliant. It talked about the fears that other people will try their hardest to also push onto you.
Since I can’t find a link, here’s an excerpt:
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If you want to be absolutely safe in life, listen well. Imbibe my fears. Let them guide you.
Here is a vague smorgasbord of anecdotes, prejudices and bad experiences my uncle once had that will, I think, protect you from death or at least from new experiences that could change your mind about people, which are in some ways worse.
- Don’t jog at night. Don’t jog during the daytime. Never jog. One hundred percent of joggers who were mugged were jogging in the first place. …
- Don’t walk through certain areas of downtown Los Angeles, ever. One of your distant relatives once walked through that area, and he was savagely attacked by a saber-tooth tiger and dragged into a tar pit. …
- Avoid bus stops, parking lots, schools, houses, cars, the pyramids, the suburbs, the city, lakes, oceans, rivers, Kansas, your own back yard, hole-in-the-wall cafes, fancy restaurants, the environs of the Eiffel Tower, places where they serve food that is different from the food your mother cooked, barbecues, street festivals, Grandma’s house. Terrible things have happened in all those places. …
So far, no one who said that a life lived in fear is not worth living has ever made it out.
Try, if possible, not to be born. If you are born, you will have to interact with people who are different from you, and you will learn, and you will change your mind, and you will discover all kinds of wonder and unlooked-for happiness, and, one day, you will die.
This must be avoided at all costs.
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While Petri’s irreverent tone is joyful to read in and of itself, it’s also quite a serious look at the fears that people try to place onto others. I think this often happens between parents and children, but to some degree in any other type of relationship as well. People are afraid of things because of their own wounds, their own insecurities, their own bad experiences. Now they want YOU to be afraid too.
But doesn’t it all sound so ridiculous? And imagine it applied to larger things: Why you should avoid people of a certain cultural or ethnic background. Why you should never travel to foreign lands. Why you shouldn’t like something or want something or pursue your dreams – because they fall outside of the norm, because it’s different or strange, because people like us just don’t do that.
I’m writing about this because much of my emotional journey has been examining my relationship with fear. It’s the thing that’s kept me back from many things. Kept me from standing up for myself. Kept me from going after things I wanted. Kept me from living a truly fulfilled life at times.
I still confront fears at times and try to take inventory of them as a means of keeping them in check. I know they’re poking at me if I’m afraid of honestly and respectfully speaking my truth. If I’m afraid to take a risk, even if it would mean an opportunity to grow. If I’m more concerned with your feelings than with my own. Vulnerability and abandonment are two fears that have kicked at me for years. What if I say or do something that makes you not like me anymore? I’ve had to learn to put that thought in its place … to realize that the people who would walk away from the honest version of me are the ones who are best let go.
As I grow, I find my fears slipping away, holding less influence. As I find my courage, I find more freedom, more joy, more serenity. I find truth. I find the essence of who I really am. I hope that all of us, in some way, can find the means to be brave, to leave fear behind and instead be guided by faith. To let go … and truly live.
Humility: A Gift
When you hear the word “humility,” what do you think?
This is my definition: Humility is a state of egolessness. It is a recognition of yourself as equal to the rest of humankind – no better, no less. It is a willingness to admit to flaws and defects. It is an act of submitting to a Higher Power, of admitting that there is a non-human power that is greater than you. It means “to be humble.”
It’s important to make the distinction between “humility” and “humiliation.” In my mind, humiliation is shame, being disgraced, degradation. I believe that humility is an inner state of being, while humiliation is often a reaction to external factors.
I suppose one of the most interesting things I’ve found is that the more confident I am in myself, the more I believe in my own inherent worth, the easier it is for me to be humble. I don’t need the false trappings of the ego to artificially inflate my value. Seems counterintuitive, does it not? And yet, I’ve found my ego and pride to be very shallow pools indeed. Those are things built up (or deflated) by the clothes I’m wearing, the balance in my bank account, the car I drive – or the clothes someone else is wearing, the balance in someone else’s bank account, the car that someone else drives.
Self-confidence, though, runs deep. It allows me to see people around me as my equal. I don’t relate to them from a “one up” or “one down” perspective. We all become precious children of God, each with a special place in the universe with unique gifts to offer. Nobody has to be perfect. They don’t have to be anything other than themselves.
These are the gifts of humility – acceptance, confidence, a sense of serenity. I strive to make it more central to my character. I will be humble. I will be grateful.
Perspective (Or, the lack thereof)
So, where have I been, you ask?
Oh, here and there.
But mostly, I’ve been in my head.
I could spend hours, days, weeks up in that room, inviting no guests, stocking my freezer in advance so I could shelter in place, live as something of a recluse.
I’ve been ruminating, tumbling thoughts over and over again like sheets in the dryer. Things I want for the future, things I regret from the past. Things I hope to achieve in my career, and the day-to-day tasks that might get me there. Things to ask for, things to reject. Things to do before one work trip, one weekend trip, another work trip. A mental calendar that seems full until the days tick by.
And yet, as I mentally wandered between one self-imposed crisis to the next, my sense of disconnection grew, eased momentarily here and there, but never fully subsiding. It’s a spiritual disconnection, and an emotional one too. Walking away from meditation, prayer, journaling … not identifying my feelings, just looking for the next “to-do.”
The last couple of days I have prayed for the willingness to connect again, to be present, to turn off the lights and come downstairs.
Life is downstairs. I was snapped out of this tonight upon hearing news of a friend’s very serious and difficult struggle. And I realized that while I am living in a time of transition, in more ways than one, it’s not really something worthy of a “crisis” label. It’s a time that will lead me to important things, but it’s also a time that will weave into the fabric of the past.
My task, then, is to be present in this day, this minute. Being present means being free. I am ready to let go, to release the problems I can’t solve, to stop believing I can control the future just by thinking about it a lot.
I am here, or I am trying to be. At least, I’m ready to come back.
Young Spirit, Old Soul 