Dear Stranger at the Park …
I’m sorry if I came off as rude.
No. I’m really not sorry at all. The only thing I’m sorry about is that my first instinct is to still say “I’m sorry” when I don’t do what someone else wants or expects me to do.
I had stopped to get some food, eat and read for a few minutes, then get on with my errands and my evening. Striking up conversation wasn’t part of that plan, certainly not with strangers who imposed themselves into my space and ignored every physical cue I was giving that I really wanted to be left alone.
I was fine with telling you where I got the food, but when you kept asking questions I just gave you a nod and looked away. Thankfully you got it and left.
You likely walked away with an unfavorable impression of me, but really I don’t care. I know who I am, and I am comfortable with that, even the areas that could use work. I can’t control what other people think of me, and it’s none of my business anyway. I like myself a whole lot. No other opinion merits much value, if any. I’ve worked very hard to get here.
There are a whole lot of boundary-less people out there, and I used to be one of them. I did things I did not want to do for people who were not always nice or respectful to me, sometimes for people I really didn’t even like at all. But, I felt like I had to do this thing, these things they were requesting of me. To refuse would mean I wasn’t nice. I really wanted you – ALL OF YOU – to think I was nice. If you didn’t, it was just confirming some of the bad things I was already thinking about myself.
But I’d do these things I didn’t want to do, and I’d get resentful. Sometimes it would make me not very nice to be around. I could complain that I was coerced, but that wasn’t true. I had said yes, and sometimes I had even volunteered without being asked. It was nobody’s fault but mine.
Back in those days it seems like I had a lot of unhappy people around me … people who tried to prove their problems were the worst or their achievements were the greatest or whatever. They aren’t bad people, but they are wounded, and they were looking to other people and other factors outside of themselves to heal those wounds. One day, I decided I couldn’t be in the healing business anymore. I found out it was a bottomless pit and a never ending battle. So I gave up and focused on healing my own wounds instead.
And what do you know! Now I’m mostly surrounded by positive and happy people. Respectful and kind people. Once I stopped acting like a victim, I stopped attracting people to prey on me.
And so, stranger at the park, I guess that brings us to our encounter. My intuition told me you were the kind of person who did not easily take no for an answer, and I knew if I gave you any sort of entry point, that would be my own fault. I’d be pressed to answer questions I did not want to answer, desperately searching for an escape from something I allowed. So instead, I didn’t even let the cycle start. That’s why there was no smile or air of welcome from me.
I’m not sorry about seeming rude or unfriendly. But I am thankful to you. Today you showed me how much I have grown.
Grateful for: Ownership, and Disownership
Here is just one way I can tell that I still have healing to do in this lifetime:
When I see someone doing something that just doesn’t seem “right” to me; when I see someone expecting another person to take responsibility for them; when someone acts toward me with what appears to be unkindness or selfish intent; when a painful memory from years past pops into my head …
And it bothers me.
The anger, resentment, irritability, whatever … that is a sign of healing left to be done. Whatever is pushing those buttons, chances are the buttons are actually woundedness from long ago. It’s not something that exists in the present, but I’ve still carried it with me.
Today I am expressing gratitude for ownership. I am able to own my thoughts, feelings, emotions, and overall spiritual well-being. I can own my happiness and take responsibility for it. I no longer view myself as a victim of life’s whims, because in every situation, I have a choice – whether it’s to walk away, keep on going, or just to simply choose a better outlook.
In that, I reclaim my power.
I also express gratitude for disownership. The thoughts, feelings, and emotions, and actions of another person don’t belong to me – even if that person says that I caused them. That’s because they, too, always have a choice. That’s not an excuse to act like a jerk and then feel like I have the right to get off scot-free. It is, however, a sanity saver when I catch myself feeling I need to behave or think in a certain way in order to gain someone’s approval or avoid their wrath. It’s also a concept that has helped me to offload mountains of guilt.
I hope that you’ll own this day, and all days, and seize it with all of your power – for kindness, joy, peace, and happiness.
The Abandoned Shopping Cart
Is anyone out there familiar with the concept of the “abandoned shopping cart” in the realm of internet marketing/sales? Basically, this is when someone shops online, adds product(s) to their virtual shopping cart, but never clicks through to buy. Maybe they decided the shipping costs were too high, or they clung to a resolve to stick to a budget and this purchase just wasn’t going to fit. Maybe their favorite TV show came on, or the phone rang, or the dog barfed on the rug, or they just found a product they liked better somewhere else.
Some internet retailers run near-obsessive campaigns to bring you back to that purchase. Maybe you’ll get an email the day after you abandoned that cart, perhaps even with a discount involved if you decide to go ahead and buy.
But when you get back to that “shopping cart,” isn’t that a sad image? The word “abandoned” … picturing it as isolated, forgotten … you could say it’s a strange thing for me to get sentimental about, but I’d like to think it’s my empathy speaking.
Now for a personal story of my own experience as the metaphoric “abandoned shopping cart.”
I randomly met someone … he approached me, we started talking and getting to know each other a bit. We spent a little time together. Even though I hadn’t been looking to date and wasn’t feeling especially pressed to get into a relationship, my initial impressions of him were that he was the kind of person I’d pursue. While outwardly I was tempering my excitement, inside I was feeling good about it and where it was going.
In my mind, I felt we were going to keep getting to know each other, and I was enjoying the process.
And then …. nothing.
My text messages went unanswered. No response. I was hoping I’d hear something … anything … but it seemed that wasn’t forthcoming.
I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t hurt and confused by it all. What had I done? Did I say something wrong? In our last meeting, all indications were that he was interested in continuing to spend time together. I spent entirely too much time replaying it all in my head, wondering where it had gone awry.
I felt … abandoned.
I don’t know what happened, and chances are I’ll never get those answers. All I can do is accept it. While I would’ve appreciated some honest communication, even if hurtful (“I’m sorry, I’m just not interested anymore;” “I don’t see this going anywhere,” etc.), I may not get that, and I can’t see the point in chasing it down. I wasn’t going to be that desperate retailer, offering a “discount” (in this case, my emotions) just to rope him back in again.
I certainly spent plenty of time in the “dark side” of this encounter; a whole series of thoughts like “This is why I wasn’t dating; it’s always just disappointing and painful.” “I didn’t look for this encounter, and yet it appeared in my life – why me?” “I’m never going to end up in a good, honest, intimate relationship … I am fated to these types of people/encounters.”
But how does that serve me? Remember, I believe that your thought patterns are going to directly affect the things you attract. If I choose to focus only on the negative, that negativity will perpetuate itself continuously. But if I affirm myself with the positive, I will stay out of that negative space, and in turn attract all elements of positive energy into my universe. Things get better in my life because I WILL them to be better.
I have been meditating daily, and focusing on these affirmations: Good things will happen for me, and already are happening for me. I am lovable, good, and kind. Another’s opinions of me or actions toward me do not determine my worth. Things are happening as they should in God’s plan for the universe.
So, instead of being the abandoned shopping cart, isolated and unmoving, I chose to get behind myself and push. I’m worth that, and I’m much happier being my own driver and source of forward movement … rather than looking for someone else to do it for me.
Young Spirit, Old Soul 