Flying out of the Pigeonhole
It’s come to my attention in the last few days that I get bothered – really bothered – when it feels like someone is pigeonholing me. As in, someone apparently only seeing me a certain way or with certain qualities, and then me presenting evidence that goes against how they see me, and these people expressing some kind of disbelief about it.
It could be “since when did you get so happy?” or “I thought you said you didn’t like avocado” – based on a conversation from 15 years prior. “Since when did you get interested in this God stuff?” Or some theme of “oh, don’t worry, I know you … I’m sure you’ll change your mind.”
On their side, I realize I don’t have true insights into another person’s thought patterns, but I’m guessing they’re uncomfortable with “change” in general. If I’m not the assumptions and reality they think they know, what does that say about their reality? Is it possible they could be … wrong? Maybe they’re doing they’re own version of “if you are ______, then I am ______.”
On my side, I know the fact this bothers me is that (1) I’m perceiving this as criticism, and (2) I’m feeling as though this person isn’t accepting me. In reality, I guess they’re not, but it’s my piece to own … they didn’t “make me” feel that way; it’s my own perception of the situation. I also know that in the past, I did a lot of compartmentalizing to only present myself as a certain way to certain people. Whatever I thought would make you like me, that’s the person I’d try to be. Ergo, this pigeonholing, in some cases, could be fallout from my past emotional limitations.
I think it gets to be very limiting when we can only see people through a narrow scope. If you only encountered me on this blog, you’ve maybe formed an opinion about what I’m like “in real life.” Maybe you think I’m always happy, gracious, accepting. I can tell you that is NOT the case. I have rough days. I can be judgmental. I have a sarcastic and biting sense of humor. I get angry. I swear. Sometimes loudly.
But these are pieces of my overall being. No single element makes up the whole of who I am. Human beings have a richness about them that is deep and multifaceted. To interpret people so rigidly is restrictive and unfair. And to be sure, I know I’ve done this myself. I make assumptions about how certain people are going to act/react before I even encounter them. I’m working on that.
How do you feel “pigeonholed”?
Acceptance, Pt. 2 – Acceptance of Others
I believe I’ve heard a quote that goes something like “It’s only by accepting others that we can learn to accept ourselves.” For me, it needed to go the opposite way – I had to accept myself first before I could extend it to other people. However this is accomplished, though, it’s a key toward sanity and serenity in relations between yourself and the people around you.
To me, acceptance means viewing someone as-is, right as they are this minute. This means realizing that they aren’t going to change unless they want to, and that me wanting them to change isn’t going to create that “want” within them. So I need to put that “want” out of my mind entirely.
Acceptance does not equal liking someone. When you accept someone, it doesn’t mean you’ll become BFFs or turn a blind eye to past wounds and wrongs in your relationship. It also doesn’t mean putting yourself in the path of someone’s punishment or toxicity – you don’t have to accept unacceptable behavior, nor should you, but regardless, it’s important to accept the person behind it. This acceptance is more for you than the other person, because it will help clear the static from your mind and help keep your focus on yourself – the only person you really can change and control – vs. everyone else.
In the reverse, just because you love or like someone doesn’t mean you’re practicing acceptance with them. You might love your child/parent/sibling/spouse/best friend/significant other/cousin but not show acceptance toward them. “If only they lived somewhere else.” “If only they didn’t watch so much TV.” “If only they had made a different career choice.” “Why can’t they buy the outfit I picked out instead of the one they like?” “Why can’t they eat a healthier diet and get to the gym every now and then?”
Sure, you might have those questions and judgments in your mind, but where it gets dangerous is when you start communicating out those feelings, especially when there’s a dose of guilt and/or attempt at manipulation attached to it. “Yes, I know you like living in that city where you are … you always have been into doing what you want.” “I can’t believe you like that stupid show! Why do you keep watching it?” “Everyone’s going to laugh when you step into the party wearing that thing.”
Of course, some of those messages can be communicated in a gentle, loving way. But if you feel you might have sent these kinds of messages a time or two, ask yourself: What’s my motive behind it, and what am I feeling when I say it? If it feels like you’re trying to lash out, even in the slightest way, proceed with caution … or not at all.
Here are some common phrases that go behind or along with non-acceptance messages: “It’s just so stupid.” “I can’t believe you’d act so selfish/immature/dumb.” And the real zinger: “Why do you have to be that way?”
Think of how much richer your relationships could be, and how much more sane and serene you would feel, if you accepted the people around you and stopped wishing/hoping/praying they’d be different. In family and partner relationships, think of how much more loving your interactions could be if there was no longer the urge to give your opinions on “what’s wrong with them.”
But again, accepting someone doesn’t mean you’ll allow them to walk all over you, to cross your boundaries, to treat you in any manner that’s abusive. It doesn’t mean you’ll keep dating or stay friends or stay married. It means that you’ll realize that this person – their personality makeup, their decisions, their actions, their dreams and desires – are not yours to own, control, or change. And by practicing this, you’ll realize the same is true in reverse. Your life is yours to own and manage as you see fit, with your own best interests at heart – not those projected onto you by someone else.
How have you learned to accept other people?
Acceptance, Pt. 1: Acceptance of Self
“What is more freeing than to laugh at our weaknesses and to be grateful for our strengths? To know the entire package called ‘us’ – with all our feelings, thoughts, tendencies, and history – is worthy of acceptance and bringing healing feelings.”
– Melody Beattie, The Language of Letting Go
Acceptance is a difficult concept in some ways, but so very important to feeling that divine sense of inner peace. For me, I got the idea of acceptance intellectually, but it was a LONG time before my emotions caught up. I also discovered that before I could accept anything or anyone else, I had to accept myself first.
That meant accepting absolutely everything about me, present and past. That meant not beating up on myself if I didn’t have a great day at work or found myself butting heads with someone. That meant making peace with my past, even the parts that had been shameful for me, because I can’t do a single thing to change any of it … nor should I. It brought me to exactly where I am today.
This gets back to that “higher power” I was talking about before. Fundamental to acceptance is the belief that this higher power has us exactly where we are supposed to be at any given time. We don’t need to be any better or any different than we are already for this higher power to love us unconditionally and perfectly. There’s nothing we can do that will make this higher power – which I call God – love us more or love us less. Through that, I came to understand that I was worthy of love. I am worthy.
We live in a society that thrives off the message that we should be more, we should be different. The entire beauty industry is built off this idea! We should weigh less, we should have whiter teeth, our homes should be cleaner and more organized, we should have more “stuff.” It can be hard to stay with the concept that we are “perfectly imperfect” and just fine as-is when it seems we face a barrage of messages telling us otherwise.
Nonetheless, realize that you are a beautiful and precious child of God. You are exactly who and what you are supposed to be, right this very minute. Say it, think it … and someday you’ll believe it.
Here are a few things that can help put you on the path to self-acceptance:
1. Let go of perfectionism. So you didn’t have a great day at work and didn’t achieve everything you set out to do. There are dirty dishes in your sink. You didn’t make it to the gym and you ate cookies all afternoon. Now you’re in a cycle of self-abuse, beating yourself up for all these “shortcomings.” Guess what? You’re HUMAN. You won’t succeed 100 percent of the time. All of that is OK. You’re still worthy. (Seriously, I think I’ll be writing an entire post about the dangers of perfectionism. It’s an ugly thing.)
2. Make peace with your past. There’s a saying: “The past is not the present.” Another way I like to think of this is to say that you are not your mistakes, even really big mistakes. Your failures don’t represent who you are. Live today in a way that aligns with your spirit, and realize you can’t do a thing about what happened yesterday, or years ago. (Though if a particular episode is really, REALLY eating at you, and you know you’re at fault, consider making a formal apology if it will help you let it go. This is another topic that I will address further in another post.)
3. Use affirmations. Stuart Smalley might have made affirmations seem corny, but they can and do work. There are a litany of affirmations available online and you can even get them delivered straight to your inbox. If you find one that speaks to you, tape it to your bathr
oom mirror. (This post about 100 affirmations is a good place to start.)
4. Stop worrying about what other people say or think about you. Not gonna lie, I had to really work at this one, and I still do. In this regard, sometimes even the people closest to us can be the most damaging. Other people’s opinions don’t make up who you are, and remember, they’re also looking at the world through their own lens. Often the people who are most critical of others are doing it because they don’t want to look at themselves. Don’t fall into their trap. Love yourself more, and overcome their negativity.
How do you grow love for yourself?
Young Spirit, Old Soul 