Risks and Rewards
When I started this blog, I really didn’t have any idea of goals or expectations for it. To be honest, it felt like a complete inspiration from God to even do it in the first place … I’d been kicking around ideas for many months, and then this one 
came to me, and I was compelled to get it going quickly. It was up within 24 hours of me getting the “epiphany.” And I have warehouses of ideas for posts.
All I thought was … I feel like I want to share this knowledge that I’ve found and this strength that I’m building. I think God wants me to put this out there. Every day I see a lot of other people who seem to be struggling with the same issues. Maybe if I can help just one of them, it would be worth it.
But then I also wonder if it’s arrogant or naïve or unrealistic to even believe I could do that. I don’t feel like I have any great gift or knowledge that no one else has, I just feel like I’ve found a way to tap into it, and to genuinely feel it. But what I’ve “learned” seems like it’s been within me for a long, long time.
But I worry … could being honest and vulnerable like this come back to haunt me? If I write about some of these things I encounter in personal relationships … would someone I care about get hurt by it? Will pieces of this insight about myself somehow be used against me later?
It’s risky and scary putting some of this out there. Even though I don’t feel like what I have here is salacious, or even good “gossip fodder,” one of the things I’ve struggled with is an ability to trust. I don’t completely trust that while I feel like I’m trying to do a good thing, or at least create a good outlet for myself, that somehow it won’t be someone’s ammunition against me one day.
At the same time, I’m working to develop an attitude of “this is who I am – take it or leave it.” And I really am getting stronger in that every day. I know I’m a good person (and for a long time, I wasn’t sure of that), but also one who’s willing to admit to imperfections, struggles, and difficulties. But along with that comes the ways I’m working to overcome them, to grow into my purpose here on earth.
And so while I’ve wondered if I should keep doing this … if this really is a good idea to put myself out there so much … the voice I hear within my heart says keep going. Keep going.
I don’t know where this is leading, or even if there is a “where.” But today, I will keep going.
Acceptance, Pt. 3: Acceptance of the World
So you spilled coffee on your outfit this morning. Traffic was a mess. Issues at work are starting to look like rising flood waters, and you just found out your car is going to need a repair to the tune of about $500.
Maybe it’s bigger stuff. You’re having real struggles in your relationship and wondering if this is “the end.” You or someone you love is facing a serious health crisis. The job offer fell through, the mortgage is two months past due, the person you love just walked out the door and isn’t coming back.
I wrote about accepting yourself, and accepting other people, but sometimes it can be most difficult to accept what life throws your way – to live life on life’s terms. It feels like it isn’t fair, like you’re being punished, like God just isn’t there for you.
The more minor day-to-day things (spilled coffee and bad traffic) are often just a matter of perspective – taking a deep breath, realizing this isn’t the end of the world, maybe even finding a way to laugh at it all. Today just isn’t your lucky day.
The more serious things … those are harder to wrangle. One of the big questions people have about the existence of God often centers around, “if God is such a loving and just God, why do I have to suffer? Why does tragedy happen? Why is there so much pain?”
I can’t offer much insight into that, and I don’t think I have an answer that’s going to satisfy someone asking that question. When I think of two of the biggest tragedies of recent times – Sandy Hook Elementary and 9/11 – I think of men with poisoned minds carrying out terrible actions against other people. These are human actions, not God’s will. But, it’s a difficult question to answer too when it’s something like a cancer diagnosis, a car accident, a natural disaster.
My own belief is that God is a loving God who does not want us to suffer and feels our pain along with us. He can’t always prevent tragedy from happening. But he wants to comfort us, and let us know we are loved. When we are ready to hand it over, and if we ask, he will take our pain from us. (I know this to be true because I’ve asked this of him myself, and it’s honestly, truly worked.)
I’ve found the best sense of peace when I’ve truly let go, given up the struggle, and just surrendered to what’s happening around me. Life has gone a lot more smoothly for me when I’m not working so hard to “fight the universe.” When I’m able to see that’s what is happening right now really, really sucks, but still keep faith that it’s going to work out in the end. It’s going to lead to someplace better.
It’s going to carry me to where I’m meant to be. I just have to let go and allow it to happen.
Flying out of the Pigeonhole
It’s come to my attention in the last few days that I get bothered – really bothered – when it feels like someone is pigeonholing me. As in, someone apparently only seeing me a certain way or with certain qualities, and then me presenting evidence that goes against how they see me, and these people expressing some kind of disbelief about it.
It could be “since when did you get so happy?” or “I thought you said you didn’t like avocado” – based on a conversation from 15 years prior. “Since when did you get interested in this God stuff?” Or some theme of “oh, don’t worry, I know you … I’m sure you’ll change your mind.”
On their side, I realize I don’t have true insights into another person’s thought patterns, but I’m guessing they’re uncomfortable with “change” in general. If I’m not the assumptions and reality they think they know, what does that say about their reality? Is it possible they could be … wrong? Maybe they’re doing they’re own version of “if you are ______, then I am ______.”
On my side, I know the fact this bothers me is that (1) I’m perceiving this as criticism, and (2) I’m feeling as though this person isn’t accepting me. In reality, I guess they’re not, but it’s my piece to own … they didn’t “make me” feel that way; it’s my own perception of the situation. I also know that in the past, I did a lot of compartmentalizing to only present myself as a certain way to certain people. Whatever I thought would make you like me, that’s the person I’d try to be. Ergo, this pigeonholing, in some cases, could be fallout from my past emotional limitations.
I think it gets to be very limiting when we can only see people through a narrow scope. If you only encountered me on this blog, you’ve maybe formed an opinion about what I’m like “in real life.” Maybe you think I’m always happy, gracious, accepting. I can tell you that is NOT the case. I have rough days. I can be judgmental. I have a sarcastic and biting sense of humor. I get angry. I swear. Sometimes loudly.
But these are pieces of my overall being. No single element makes up the whole of who I am. Human beings have a richness about them that is deep and multifaceted. To interpret people so rigidly is restrictive and unfair. And to be sure, I know I’ve done this myself. I make assumptions about how certain people are going to act/react before I even encounter them. I’m working on that.
How do you feel “pigeonholed”?
Acceptance, Pt. 2 – Acceptance of Others
I believe I’ve heard a quote that goes something like “It’s only by accepting others that we can learn to accept ourselves.” For me, it needed to go the opposite way – I had to accept myself first before I could extend it to other people. However this is accomplished, though, it’s a key toward sanity and serenity in relations between yourself and the people around you.
To me, acceptance means viewing someone as-is, right as they are this minute. This means realizing that they aren’t going to change unless they want to, and that me wanting them to change isn’t going to create that “want” within them. So I need to put that “want” out of my mind entirely.
Acceptance does not equal liking someone. When you accept someone, it doesn’t mean you’ll become BFFs or turn a blind eye to past wounds and wrongs in your relationship. It also doesn’t mean putting yourself in the path of someone’s punishment or toxicity – you don’t have to accept unacceptable behavior, nor should you, but regardless, it’s important to accept the person behind it. This acceptance is more for you than the other person, because it will help clear the static from your mind and help keep your focus on yourself – the only person you really can change and control – vs. everyone else.
In the reverse, just because you love or like someone doesn’t mean you’re practicing acceptance with them. You might love your child/parent/sibling/spouse/best friend/significant other/cousin but not show acceptance toward them. “If only they lived somewhere else.” “If only they didn’t watch so much TV.” “If only they had made a different career choice.” “Why can’t they buy the outfit I picked out instead of the one they like?” “Why can’t they eat a healthier diet and get to the gym every now and then?”
Sure, you might have those questions and judgments in your mind, but where it gets dangerous is when you start communicating out those feelings, especially when there’s a dose of guilt and/or attempt at manipulation attached to it. “Yes, I know you like living in that city where you are … you always have been into doing what you want.” “I can’t believe you like that stupid show! Why do you keep watching it?” “Everyone’s going to laugh when you step into the party wearing that thing.”
Of course, some of those messages can be communicated in a gentle, loving way. But if you feel you might have sent these kinds of messages a time or two, ask yourself: What’s my motive behind it, and what am I feeling when I say it? If it feels like you’re trying to lash out, even in the slightest way, proceed with caution … or not at all.
Here are some common phrases that go behind or along with non-acceptance messages: “It’s just so stupid.” “I can’t believe you’d act so selfish/immature/dumb.” And the real zinger: “Why do you have to be that way?”
Think of how much richer your relationships could be, and how much more sane and serene you would feel, if you accepted the people around you and stopped wishing/hoping/praying they’d be different. In family and partner relationships, think of how much more loving your interactions could be if there was no longer the urge to give your opinions on “what’s wrong with them.”
But again, accepting someone doesn’t mean you’ll allow them to walk all over you, to cross your boundaries, to treat you in any manner that’s abusive. It doesn’t mean you’ll keep dating or stay friends or stay married. It means that you’ll realize that this person – their personality makeup, their decisions, their actions, their dreams and desires – are not yours to own, control, or change. And by practicing this, you’ll realize the same is true in reverse. Your life is yours to own and manage as you see fit, with your own best interests at heart – not those projected onto you by someone else.
How have you learned to accept other people?
P2P Exercise: The Everlasting Gratitude List
I looooove to write. Always have, and it’s even what I do for a living. P2P (Pen 2 Paper) Exercises are writing exercises meant to provoke thought about your own emotional state and spiritual journey. And set your laptop aside. As the name implies, it’s best to do them longhand, with good ol’ fashioned pen and paper!
Around Thanksgiving, everyone’s Facebook feed seems to crop up with the daily “thankful for” post that folks put up to show gratitude for the people and things in their lives. This P2P Exercise is like that, but on steroids. Mega, huge, HGH clinic in South Florida steroids! (Sorry, couldn’t resist.)
For the next 30 days, write down 10 things you’re grateful for each day. Here’s the catch: You can’t repeat anything. Each day, you have to come up with 10 completely different things.
The first week or so is probably going to be a breeze – stuff like a roof over your head, food in the fridge, your friends and family, and so on. After that, it’s going to get to be a challenge. You’re going to have to look harder to find stuff. But GUESS WHAT – that’s the magic! By looking for things that generate gratitude, you’ll begin to see it everywhere.
(If you really want to make this a challenge, expand this to 60 days, or even 90!)
I haven’t done this myself … I just heard about it in the last few days. But I’d like to give it a try. I’ll keep you updated on my progress.
Let’s do it! What’s on your first list?
Young Spirit, Old Soul 