Acceptance, Pt. 3: Acceptance of the World
So you spilled coffee on your outfit this morning. Traffic was a mess. Issues at work are starting to look like rising flood waters, and you just found out your car is going to need a repair to the tune of about $500.
Maybe it’s bigger stuff. You’re having real struggles in your relationship and wondering if this is “the end.” You or someone you love is facing a serious health crisis. The job offer fell through, the mortgage is two months past due, the person you love just walked out the door and isn’t coming back.
I wrote about accepting yourself, and accepting other people, but sometimes it can be most difficult to accept what life throws your way – to live life on life’s terms. It feels like it isn’t fair, like you’re being punished, like God just isn’t there for you.
The more minor day-to-day things (spilled coffee and bad traffic) are often just a matter of perspective – taking a deep breath, realizing this isn’t the end of the world, maybe even finding a way to laugh at it all. Today just isn’t your lucky day.
The more serious things … those are harder to wrangle. One of the big questions people have about the existence of God often centers around, “if God is such a loving and just God, why do I have to suffer? Why does tragedy happen? Why is there so much pain?”
I can’t offer much insight into that, and I don’t think I have an answer that’s going to satisfy someone asking that question. When I think of two of the biggest tragedies of recent times – Sandy Hook Elementary and 9/11 – I think of men with poisoned minds carrying out terrible actions against other people. These are human actions, not God’s will. But, it’s a difficult question to answer too when it’s something like a cancer diagnosis, a car accident, a natural disaster.
My own belief is that God is a loving God who does not want us to suffer and feels our pain along with us. He can’t always prevent tragedy from happening. But he wants to comfort us, and let us know we are loved. When we are ready to hand it over, and if we ask, he will take our pain from us. (I know this to be true because I’ve asked this of him myself, and it’s honestly, truly worked.)
I’ve found the best sense of peace when I’ve truly let go, given up the struggle, and just surrendered to what’s happening around me. Life has gone a lot more smoothly for me when I’m not working so hard to “fight the universe.” When I’m able to see that’s what is happening right now really, really sucks, but still keep faith that it’s going to work out in the end. It’s going to lead to someplace better.
It’s going to carry me to where I’m meant to be. I just have to let go and allow it to happen.
Acceptance, Pt. 1: Acceptance of Self
“What is more freeing than to laugh at our weaknesses and to be grateful for our strengths? To know the entire package called ‘us’ – with all our feelings, thoughts, tendencies, and history – is worthy of acceptance and bringing healing feelings.”
– Melody Beattie, The Language of Letting Go
Acceptance is a difficult concept in some ways, but so very important to feeling that divine sense of inner peace. For me, I got the idea of acceptance intellectually, but it was a LONG time before my emotions caught up. I also discovered that before I could accept anything or anyone else, I had to accept myself first.
That meant accepting absolutely everything about me, present and past. That meant not beating up on myself if I didn’t have a great day at work or found myself butting heads with someone. That meant making peace with my past, even the parts that had been shameful for me, because I can’t do a single thing to change any of it … nor should I. It brought me to exactly where I am today.
This gets back to that “higher power” I was talking about before. Fundamental to acceptance is the belief that this higher power has us exactly where we are supposed to be at any given time. We don’t need to be any better or any different than we are already for this higher power to love us unconditionally and perfectly. There’s nothing we can do that will make this higher power – which I call God – love us more or love us less. Through that, I came to understand that I was worthy of love. I am worthy.
We live in a society that thrives off the message that we should be more, we should be different. The entire beauty industry is built off this idea! We should weigh less, we should have whiter teeth, our homes should be cleaner and more organized, we should have more “stuff.” It can be hard to stay with the concept that we are “perfectly imperfect” and just fine as-is when it seems we face a barrage of messages telling us otherwise.
Nonetheless, realize that you are a beautiful and precious child of God. You are exactly who and what you are supposed to be, right this very minute. Say it, think it … and someday you’ll believe it.
Here are a few things that can help put you on the path to self-acceptance:
1. Let go of perfectionism. So you didn’t have a great day at work and didn’t achieve everything you set out to do. There are dirty dishes in your sink. You didn’t make it to the gym and you ate cookies all afternoon. Now you’re in a cycle of self-abuse, beating yourself up for all these “shortcomings.” Guess what? You’re HUMAN. You won’t succeed 100 percent of the time. All of that is OK. You’re still worthy. (Seriously, I think I’ll be writing an entire post about the dangers of perfectionism. It’s an ugly thing.)
2. Make peace with your past. There’s a saying: “The past is not the present.” Another way I like to think of this is to say that you are not your mistakes, even really big mistakes. Your failures don’t represent who you are. Live today in a way that aligns with your spirit, and realize you can’t do a thing about what happened yesterday, or years ago. (Though if a particular episode is really, REALLY eating at you, and you know you’re at fault, consider making a formal apology if it will help you let it go. This is another topic that I will address further in another post.)
3. Use affirmations. Stuart Smalley might have made affirmations seem corny, but they can and do work. There are a litany of affirmations available online and you can even get them delivered straight to your inbox. If you find one that speaks to you, tape it to your bathr
oom mirror. (This post about 100 affirmations is a good place to start.)
4. Stop worrying about what other people say or think about you. Not gonna lie, I had to really work at this one, and I still do. In this regard, sometimes even the people closest to us can be the most damaging. Other people’s opinions don’t make up who you are, and remember, they’re also looking at the world through their own lens. Often the people who are most critical of others are doing it because they don’t want to look at themselves. Don’t fall into their trap. Love yourself more, and overcome their negativity.
How do you grow love for yourself?
Gettin’ Religion on Spirituality
“Religion is for people who are afraid of going to hell. Spirituality is for people who’ve already been there.”
I open with that quote because I want to make it clear that this is NOT a post about religion. I’m not interested in talking about what you should or should not believe, what denomination is the “right one,” or whose God is correct. This is a bash-free zone. This post is about what it means to be spiritually connected.
I didn’t grow up with much of a religious or spiritual background. As I came into adulthood, I figured church was a good idea – for other people. I thought I was too broken for God to love me, that I wasn’t living the right kind of life and really didn’t care to make those kinds of changes. It looked like a lot of judgment and shame. No thank you.
With those kinds of messages being a common theme, it’s not surprising that a lot of people feel the same way. Atheism seems to be a popular pick among folks asked to identify their religion. We were all fed someone else’s idea of God – and some of us got a heapin’ helpin’ of scorn from people who said we weren’t living a “Godly life.” These people had appointed themselves as God’s ambassador here on earth, just dying to set us all straight and tell us what we should be doing to “get right.”
I’m here to beg of you: Cast that off. Right now.
Here’s one thing that I absolutely believe: There is no way to cultivate a true sense of serenity, surrender, and inner peace without faith and trust in a power greater than you. You can call that power God, Buddha, Yahweh, Allah, the universe, the human collective. It could be mother nature. It could be the wind, or the sun. It could be a freakin’ pack of turkey hot dogs (though things without expiration dates tend to have better shelf life as a higher power). It is absolutely your belief to own and mold as it fits you. It doesn’t belong to anyone else but you.
In the face of a personal crisis, I began to find the importance of developing a relationship with God. My definition is more closely attuned to the Christian tradition, but remember – that’s MY belief! I was in church nearly every week for about two years, for much of that time lucky to encounter a priest who had a very loving, centered message. He has since moved away, and I miss that leadership, but I still have God, and I actually feel closer to him than ever before.
I’m not a regular church attender anymore, mostly because I have not found another church home to replace the one I miss so dearly. The “human message” got too much in the way at some of the other places I tried. I will also note that my definition of God has changed and grown as I have. At the present time, I don’t need the overwrap of formal ceremony to feel close to God, but I have also very much respected and loved the reverence of that ceremony.
This piece of my spiritual development has been absolutely key to feeling at peace. I feel loved, from both my higher power and myself. I feel supported. I trust that no matter what hard times I’m facing now, it’s all part of the unfolding master plan. I wouldn’t say that I never worry, but I certainly worry a whole lot less.
In short, I stopped centering my faith around other people, and instead centered my faith around God. I had to find my own meaning of God first, and not someone else’s. For me, it’s worked.
What do you do to feel spiritually connected? What is your definition of a higher power?
The Fulfillment Without
It’s my opinion that a whole lot of us go through life thinking we’d be a lot better off if we just had something different. I know I was there for a long time.
If only I drove a different car, had a different job, had achieved something “more” by now. If only my weight was a certain number (always lower than what it is now), if my thighs were thinner, if my nose were different. If only I dressed a certain way. If only I owned that cool pair of sunglasses or rockin’ designer bag. If I had that perfect relationship partner. If I were younger. If I were … something else.
I wasn’t comfortable in my own skin. I figured these outside things would “make me happy.” It was only through cultivating love for myself that I’ve been able to overcome these “ifs.”
I was looking for fulfillment and approval from things and people outside of me. And guess what? I never got it. Even getting the “things” I thought I wanted still left me feeling empty.
I had to remedy this by looking for fulfillment within myself. Here are some things that helped me:
Hearing a loving inner voice: So, how do you talk to yourself? Listen to your inner dialogue. Do you catch yourself saying things that you’d never say to another human being? Pay close attention especially when you make mistakes. Replace harsh words with gentler dialogue.
Feeling love from a higher power: Check out my post about spirituality. For me, I found it very important to believe that a power greater than myself loves me unconditionally, will take good care of me, and ultimately has my best interests at heart.
Not comparing myself to other people: As the saying goes, “compare and despair.” What you see on the outside is just how someone presents themselves to the world. Inside, they’re facing many of the same struggles that all of us are. Resist the temptation to compare your inside to someone else’s outside.
How have you found fulfillment from inside yourself? What kind of dialogue makes up your inner voice?
You’re Afraid of More Than You Think
Question: What’s your greatest fear?
Let me guess your answer: Public speaking. Flying. Heights. (My answer: balloons. I’m not kidding. Really. Don’t ask.)
Allow me to suggest a few answers you might not have considered: Intimacy. Vulnerability. Abandonment. Confrontation.
It might not be the stuff of your nightmares, but it is the stuff that’s haunting you during your waking hours.
It’s true: I’m more comfortable addressing a room of 250 people than standing in close proximity to a balloon animal-making puppeteer at a kid’s birthday party. The latter is a much greater test for my deodorant’s strength.
But do you want to know what terrifies me even more? Sharing my real, honest thoughts with you, especially when they aren’t happy or positive. I don’t like appearing imperfect either. Then you might not like me. You might tell me I’m bad or go away altogether. I’d really hate that, because then I’d feel like I’m unworthy.
A fear of helium-inflated latex might be awkward and embarrassing at times (it has earned me some puzzled looks, to say the least), but those other fears have been much more limiting and harmful to me, because they cloud my relationships and day-to-day interactions.
Those fears have caused me to do things I didn’t want to do, feel things I didn’t want to feel, and left me feeling guilty when I dared go against what someone else wanted me to do. As you might have guessed, I was walking around feeling a whole lot of misery.
Now, my life is all about identifying, facing, and overcoming those fears. I’m working on it every day, and I still fail at times. But you know what? I’m a whole lot better.
Keep coming back here … I look forward to sharing my journey with you, and I want you to share yours too, no matter where you are now.
What are your greatest fears?
Young Spirit, Old Soul 