Down. Not Out.
First, my apologies for being absent for a few days. It’s true, certain things got in the way. Traveling; remote meetings for work and a brief visit home. My job itself has been very busy. There have been plans and chores and obligations. Life. Life has gotten in the way.
But beyond all that, the real reason why I’ve stayed away is because I’m struggling. I have a lot of days of feeling sad. I often feel lonely even though the days have been scarce where I haven’t talked to at least one friend, and many weekends since I haven’t seen them. It’s hard to feel like I’m writing the appropriate content for a blog that’s purportedly about finding serenity and spiritual growth when it seems I’m lacking so much in both right now. But I also realize that struggles are part of the journey. Ultimately, this blog is about my journey.
I had plans for yoga tonight – even got up early for 5:45 am cycling so I could get in some cardio today and keep the evening free – but here I sit, on my couch, comfy clothes and jazz music. Part of it is crummy weather, cold and rainy. But instead of beating myself up for not meeting a self-created obligation (an old, familiar habit), I’m just accepting that this is where I am today. I need rest. I need a cozy night at home.
These “down days” have actually stretched behind me for a ways, and sometimes I shed tears over the fact that it doesn’t feel fair. I’m working so hard to understand my emotions and take responsibility for my peace and happiness. Why are despair and hopelessness part of the deal too? I cry when I pray, asking God why I’m experiencing this. I don’t believe he wants me to hurt. My true belief is that when the light does come in again, it will be so much brighter.
Even though my surface feels wounded, intellectually it doesn’t feel like the truth of who I am. I know greater things are coming my way. I know that I am going to achieve so much more, climb so much higher. I believe that the things I desire for myself really are going to come my way because I’m finally not afraid to ask for them. I’m no longer afraid that merely by admitting I want them, I will somehow curse my fate and therefore ensure they won’t be mine. This is where I know I really have grown – my self-defeating attitude has gone by the wayside.
And so, I am sorry that I haven’t been here as much, because that isn’t my intent. I figured I’d have more social media up and running by now, that there’d be more voices in this little community I’m hoping to build. But right now I don’t have the energy to reach out … I can only reach inside to pull myself up. I’m still here, but first and foremost I have to be here for me.
Self-Actualization and Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs
Chances are, sometime in your educational history, you learned about Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. I remember quite clearly learning about it for the first time in 7th grade. I don’t remember the class but I do remember the teacher, and most clearly I recall him more or less saying that none of us would ever achieve the coveted “self-actualization” at the top of the pyramid. That place was only reserved for the highest of high achievers, and according to Mr. Black, we were all doomed to be a bunch of mouth breathers unlikely to hit this mark.
Being an impressionable 13-year-old, I didn’t yet understand the idea of people projecting their insecurities onto others, and geez, I can’t imagine a junior high teacher feeling the slightest bit frustrated by their job or their students (sarcasm intentional). In my adult life, I feel like I really am touching that top part of the triangle at times. But I also know a lot of people who haven’t quite made it into the level below, of just having good self-esteem and confidence.
Reviewing the hierarchy again from my current perspective, I think it’s useful, but I’m not sure it’s everything. It mentions nothing of spirituality (though Cloninger’s Temperament and Character Inventory does take it another step further to include self-transcendence – the spiritual dimension), and it places somewhat high importance on being liked by others – as much, really, as being liked by yourself.
Nonetheless, reading through the list of characteristics of those who are self-actualized, there were a few that stood out to me as part of my own goals:
Comfortable acceptance of self, others, and nature: I’m learning to accept myself, and accept other people, though at times it’s not always comfortable. It’s a skill I’m growing.
Continued freshness of appreciation: These are simple things like enjoying a stunning sunset, or someone’s beautiful singing, but appreciating it as thought it was the first time you’ve experienced it. A spirit of gratitude gets me closer to this kind of experience.
Profound interpersonal relationships: I have deeper, richer friendships than ever before, and true appreciation for the good of humanity. Someday I hope to add a romantic love relationship that will be centered on deep bonds and true intimacy.
Peak experiences: This is described as feeling at one with the universe, strong and calm, with deep purpose. I have had some sincere moments like this, and I am grateful for them.
It turns out this belief that I’d never achieve self-actualization was only a self-limiting myth. I’m grateful to be dispelling it, for myself.
Relationships: Rubber, meet road
Happy Valentine’s Day, dear readers!
My relationship track record is … ummm
… errrrrgh …
… uhhh …
(Do I really have to talk about this?)
Let’s just say, it isn’t all good. But, I wouldn’t say it’s all bad either. True, if you measure relationship success by the “long-term marriage/2.5 kids/ranch house/0.68 acre yard” metric, I have failed. But, then again, I’ve also never been one of those women who felt like motherhood was her ultimate destiny in life. I prefer my current dwelling – a small apartment in a walkable/fairly urban area – over a big house in the ‘burbs. It’s just how I’m wired; I like walking to things and having close access to public transportation.
I’ll also add that this is the most difficult post I’ve written so far, because, truthfully, it’s an area where I haven’t quite gotten past the feeling that people are judging me. As much as I know that isn’t true (and doesn’t matter even to any degree that it is), it still haunts me.
I am divorced. I have some other long-term relationships scattered through my past. To be sure, I chose poorly at times for the people with whom I paired. But, let’s examine the first two words of that last clause: I chose. Now, the just first one: I.
It would be so easy to lay the blame at the feet of these other people, to say it belongs entirely to them that things didn’t work. Certainly, the responsibility isn’t solely mine, but it’s not all theirs either.
For a long time, I had a pattern of getting into relationships with people who really weren’t what I wanted. But through some magical way of thinking, I thought they could become what I wanted. Then I resented them when they didn’t. This is sort of like saying you want a turkey sandwich, but seeing you only have peanut butter in the fridge, then eating the peanut butter anyway, but blaming it for not being turkey, pleading with it to become turkey, and actually getting outright angry that it isn’t turkey. As you can see, it isn’t the most rational of thought patterns.
Another issue I’ve had (even in my better relationships) is communication, particularly in terms of feeling like it’s acceptable for me to have needs, and to ask for them to be met. I was afraid that by saying that I wanted something, my partner would think of me as too needy. Or, they’d deny what I wanted, and then it would just be proof that they didn’t love me anyway. So I’d stuff those needs away, square my shoulders and move forward, albeit with a jaw that was clenched a little tighter, and the seeds of resentment rapidly propagating in my gut.
At this juncture in life, I am not dating and not seeking a relationship. I’m focused on other things and prefer to devote all of my energy to myself. But I would like that for myself in the future and have faith that God will bring the right person into my life, when the time is right. The bottom line is that I’ve learned that a relationship isn’t just two people who know each other and hang out a lot or even live together while letting the chips fall where they may. They take a lot of work and emotional energy, and it can’t fall to just one party to give all of that. A relationship is a living organism, and your “gardening skills” can leave you with either a beautifully blossoming orchid, or a bed full of weeds.
What are your relationship challenges?
Healing the Child Inside
Louise Hay posted an interesting article today about healing your “inner child” — in essence, examining your childhood wounds and soothing that child that still exists within you, even as you’re walking around with these wounds as an adult.
This is rather timely for me in a number of ways. Mostly, it’s because I had one of the most emotionally profound experiences last week, when I was able to very deeply and intimately get in touch with my own inner child, feeling the pain I experienced back then but able to process it with adult emotional intelligence. It’s difficult for me to describe to someone who has not done this kind of work, or who might not understand it. But it was very, very real.
As the result of a recent breakup, I’ve spent times swinging between anxiety and sadness/loneliness (with some peaceful moments in between). But after a while I developed a lot of scorn for those emotions, just wishing they would go away and I could heal and move on. I was, in essence, “yelling at myself” for feeling these unpleasant feelings. I couldn’t understand why it would seem like I would get to a place of healing, only to find myself emotionally knocked down days later.
Somehow, some way (I truly believe through God), I was able to understand that these feelings were actually stemming from a very child-like place. The more I got in touch with it, I saw that it was a very scared little girl, who was feeling hurt and sad and lonely. She wondered if anyone would ever love her. She was in a lot of pain.
More evaluation revealed that this was me, around age 4 or 5. Somehow I had gotten the feeling that there was something wrong with me, that nobody loved me. At that time I couldn’t grasp or understand it. But I remembered thinking very clearly … “maybe if I’m just very, very quiet, and really good, they’ll love me.” From this I came to believe that who I was on the inside was not acceptable to show on the outside, and that I couldn’t ask for help or show that I really wanted or needed something. These are problems that have plagued me for years.
I was at yoga that night and I imagined this little girl next to me, doing the poses with a joyous and childlike spirit – the way she wanted to be, but felt like she wasn’t allowed. I spoke to her with the love that I so wanted back then, and told her that she was precious and beautiful exactly how she is. That night, I cried the most anguished tears, but I was crying the tears of that child who wasn’t able to cry them back then, or didn’t even understand why she felt sad in the first place.
Now I’m much more in touch with this piece of myself, and in the future I’ll be able to identify it when those feelings come up for me again.
To live a fulfilled adult life, it’s worthwhile to discover your childhood wounds and work on the process of healing them. Don’t think that just because the years have passed, they aren’t haunting you still. Find that child, and love it well.
Risks and Rewards
When I started this blog, I really didn’t have any idea of goals or expectations for it. To be honest, it felt like a complete inspiration from God to even do it in the first place … I’d been kicking around ideas for many months, and then this one 
came to me, and I was compelled to get it going quickly. It was up within 24 hours of me getting the “epiphany.” And I have warehouses of ideas for posts.
All I thought was … I feel like I want to share this knowledge that I’ve found and this strength that I’m building. I think God wants me to put this out there. Every day I see a lot of other people who seem to be struggling with the same issues. Maybe if I can help just one of them, it would be worth it.
But then I also wonder if it’s arrogant or naïve or unrealistic to even believe I could do that. I don’t feel like I have any great gift or knowledge that no one else has, I just feel like I’ve found a way to tap into it, and to genuinely feel it. But what I’ve “learned” seems like it’s been within me for a long, long time.
But I worry … could being honest and vulnerable like this come back to haunt me? If I write about some of these things I encounter in personal relationships … would someone I care about get hurt by it? Will pieces of this insight about myself somehow be used against me later?
It’s risky and scary putting some of this out there. Even though I don’t feel like what I have here is salacious, or even good “gossip fodder,” one of the things I’ve struggled with is an ability to trust. I don’t completely trust that while I feel like I’m trying to do a good thing, or at least create a good outlet for myself, that somehow it won’t be someone’s ammunition against me one day.
At the same time, I’m working to develop an attitude of “this is who I am – take it or leave it.” And I really am getting stronger in that every day. I know I’m a good person (and for a long time, I wasn’t sure of that), but also one who’s willing to admit to imperfections, struggles, and difficulties. But along with that comes the ways I’m working to overcome them, to grow into my purpose here on earth.
And so while I’ve wondered if I should keep doing this … if this really is a good idea to put myself out there so much … the voice I hear within my heart says keep going. Keep going.
I don’t know where this is leading, or even if there is a “where.” But today, I will keep going.
Young Spirit, Old Soul 