Your Emotions on the Job
When it comes to work, it often requires a delicate emotional balancing act. Most of us who care about our work performance find ourselves getting emotionally invested in outcomes. But, you’re tasked with finding appropriate ways to express that – or face the consequences.
Last week, I posted a link on Facebook to an article about how emotional intelligence is your “secret weapon” at work. Coincidentally, my workplace is undertaking its own emotional intelligence project right now. I haven’t gone through it yet, and I’ll admit I’m a bit skeptical (I feel the power to change lies mostly within individuals and their willingness to do so), but I also figure it can’t hurt.
For me, I’ve found I need to grab a healthy dose of detachment around work. I care very much about my performance and strive to do the best I can. But, there’s also a lot of it that’s out of my control. I can’t force someone else to act or react the way that I want them to. I also have to be mindful of this when I make mistakes, or when things don’t go perfectly – the only thing I can do is to try my best next time.
If you’re looking to advance in your career, building emotional intelligence can only help you. Think about some of the best leaders you’ve known on the job – someone who was your manager, or someone else. What characteristics did they have? If they were demanding, did they balance it with appropriate praise? If they made a mistake, did they own up to it honestly, rather than placing blame? Did they give credit for your work and ideas, rather than keeping it for themselves?
If you answered “yes” to those questions, chances are you were dealing with someone who is confident, emotionally skilled, empathic.
They are characteristics we can all strive to have for ourselves.
Tools for Healing
As I shared in my last post, I’ve been struggling lately, having more down days than true “good” ones. As I delve into the sources of what’s keeping me from feeling joyful, I have found it important to take certain actions that can move me toward healing. And while I continue to struggle, these are things that have been helping me get through, even if it’s just in the moment.
Journaling: It seems logical that a blogger would also love to keep a journal, right? While this blog is something of a journal on my spiritual and emotional growth, what I write in my pen-and-paper journal is much more personal. It’s the one place I can be gut-wrenchingly honest with no concern for the consequences. Sometimes, it just really helps to get the thoughts and feelings out of your head and down onto paper. I sometimes vary in my discipline with keeping a journal, but I’ve found I do best when I write something every day – even if it’s only a couple of sentences.
Prayer and meditation: One of the first posts I made on this blog was about the importance of finding a Higher Power, whatever you call it – God, the Universe, the Force. It’s my opinion that you can only find a true sense of inner peace and serenity when you discover and believe that there is something/someone more powerful than you or any other force on this earth, who can guide and sustain you and loves you no matter what. The difference between prayer and meditation is this: Prayer is when we ask God for things, and meditation is when we listen for the answers. Meditation is a practice and discipline and there is no wrong way to do it, but it gets better the more often you take part. If you’re interested in trying it in a group setting, Meetup.com has listings for meditation groups in many cities.
Exercise: Yes, I am a fitness freak! Exercise releases feel-good endorphins and moves oxygenated blood through your body. It’s a good way to connect your mind and body and put yourself in a more positive frame of mind.
Yoga: This is an ancient practice with many different forms; many call it a “moving meditation.” I personally take part in Bikram yoga, aka “hot yoga,” where the room is cranked up to 100+ degrees F and you sweat and stretch your troubles away. Since I started, I notice that my flexibility has improved and I have less tension in my shoulders and back, but more importantly it’s 90 minutes where I can really focus on clearing my head. There are many different disciplines and studios often have introductory rates for those looking to try it out. Try some different classes and find the one that’s a good fit for you.
Self-care: Exercise falls into this realm, but so does adequate sleep and a healthy diet. Making healthy choices can have an impact on your emotional well-being, too.
Splurges: I’m not really talking diamond jewelry or Caribbean vacations here (though, those things do have their place). If you’ve been working hard, treat yourself sometimes. For me, that might be a new pair of shoes, a manicure, or a gourmet chocolate bar.
This list is just a starter. Take some time to have a little fun! Spend time with friends, allow yourself to laugh, allow yourself to play.
Down. Not Out.
First, my apologies for being absent for a few days. It’s true, certain things got in the way. Traveling; remote meetings for work and a brief visit home. My job itself has been very busy. There have been plans and chores and obligations. Life. Life has gotten in the way.
But beyond all that, the real reason why I’ve stayed away is because I’m struggling. I have a lot of days of feeling sad. I often feel lonely even though the days have been scarce where I haven’t talked to at least one friend, and many weekends since I haven’t seen them. It’s hard to feel like I’m writing the appropriate content for a blog that’s purportedly about finding serenity and spiritual growth when it seems I’m lacking so much in both right now. But I also realize that struggles are part of the journey. Ultimately, this blog is about my journey.
I had plans for yoga tonight – even got up early for 5:45 am cycling so I could get in some cardio today and keep the evening free – but here I sit, on my couch, comfy clothes and jazz music. Part of it is crummy weather, cold and rainy. But instead of beating myself up for not meeting a self-created obligation (an old, familiar habit), I’m just accepting that this is where I am today. I need rest. I need a cozy night at home.
These “down days” have actually stretched behind me for a ways, and sometimes I shed tears over the fact that it doesn’t feel fair. I’m working so hard to understand my emotions and take responsibility for my peace and happiness. Why are despair and hopelessness part of the deal too? I cry when I pray, asking God why I’m experiencing this. I don’t believe he wants me to hurt. My true belief is that when the light does come in again, it will be so much brighter.
Even though my surface feels wounded, intellectually it doesn’t feel like the truth of who I am. I know greater things are coming my way. I know that I am going to achieve so much more, climb so much higher. I believe that the things I desire for myself really are going to come my way because I’m finally not afraid to ask for them. I’m no longer afraid that merely by admitting I want them, I will somehow curse my fate and therefore ensure they won’t be mine. This is where I know I really have grown – my self-defeating attitude has gone by the wayside.
And so, I am sorry that I haven’t been here as much, because that isn’t my intent. I figured I’d have more social media up and running by now, that there’d be more voices in this little community I’m hoping to build. But right now I don’t have the energy to reach out … I can only reach inside to pull myself up. I’m still here, but first and foremost I have to be here for me.
Self-Actualization and Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs
Chances are, sometime in your educational history, you learned about Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. I remember quite clearly learning about it for the first time in 7th grade. I don’t remember the class but I do remember the teacher, and most clearly I recall him more or less saying that none of us would ever achieve the coveted “self-actualization” at the top of the pyramid. That place was only reserved for the highest of high achievers, and according to Mr. Black, we were all doomed to be a bunch of mouth breathers unlikely to hit this mark.
Being an impressionable 13-year-old, I didn’t yet understand the idea of people projecting their insecurities onto others, and geez, I can’t imagine a junior high teacher feeling the slightest bit frustrated by their job or their students (sarcasm intentional). In my adult life, I feel like I really am touching that top part of the triangle at times. But I also know a lot of people who haven’t quite made it into the level below, of just having good self-esteem and confidence.
Reviewing the hierarchy again from my current perspective, I think it’s useful, but I’m not sure it’s everything. It mentions nothing of spirituality (though Cloninger’s Temperament and Character Inventory does take it another step further to include self-transcendence – the spiritual dimension), and it places somewhat high importance on being liked by others – as much, really, as being liked by yourself.
Nonetheless, reading through the list of characteristics of those who are self-actualized, there were a few that stood out to me as part of my own goals:
Comfortable acceptance of self, others, and nature: I’m learning to accept myself, and accept other people, though at times it’s not always comfortable. It’s a skill I’m growing.
Continued freshness of appreciation: These are simple things like enjoying a stunning sunset, or someone’s beautiful singing, but appreciating it as thought it was the first time you’ve experienced it. A spirit of gratitude gets me closer to this kind of experience.
Profound interpersonal relationships: I have deeper, richer friendships than ever before, and true appreciation for the good of humanity. Someday I hope to add a romantic love relationship that will be centered on deep bonds and true intimacy.
Peak experiences: This is described as feeling at one with the universe, strong and calm, with deep purpose. I have had some sincere moments like this, and I am grateful for them.
It turns out this belief that I’d never achieve self-actualization was only a self-limiting myth. I’m grateful to be dispelling it, for myself.
Relationships: Rubber, meet road
Happy Valentine’s Day, dear readers!
My relationship track record is … ummm
… errrrrgh …
… uhhh …
(Do I really have to talk about this?)
Let’s just say, it isn’t all good. But, I wouldn’t say it’s all bad either. True, if you measure relationship success by the “long-term marriage/2.5 kids/ranch house/0.68 acre yard” metric, I have failed. But, then again, I’ve also never been one of those women who felt like motherhood was her ultimate destiny in life. I prefer my current dwelling – a small apartment in a walkable/fairly urban area – over a big house in the ‘burbs. It’s just how I’m wired; I like walking to things and having close access to public transportation.
I’ll also add that this is the most difficult post I’ve written so far, because, truthfully, it’s an area where I haven’t quite gotten past the feeling that people are judging me. As much as I know that isn’t true (and doesn’t matter even to any degree that it is), it still haunts me.
I am divorced. I have some other long-term relationships scattered through my past. To be sure, I chose poorly at times for the people with whom I paired. But, let’s examine the first two words of that last clause: I chose. Now, the just first one: I.
It would be so easy to lay the blame at the feet of these other people, to say it belongs entirely to them that things didn’t work. Certainly, the responsibility isn’t solely mine, but it’s not all theirs either.
For a long time, I had a pattern of getting into relationships with people who really weren’t what I wanted. But through some magical way of thinking, I thought they could become what I wanted. Then I resented them when they didn’t. This is sort of like saying you want a turkey sandwich, but seeing you only have peanut butter in the fridge, then eating the peanut butter anyway, but blaming it for not being turkey, pleading with it to become turkey, and actually getting outright angry that it isn’t turkey. As you can see, it isn’t the most rational of thought patterns.
Another issue I’ve had (even in my better relationships) is communication, particularly in terms of feeling like it’s acceptable for me to have needs, and to ask for them to be met. I was afraid that by saying that I wanted something, my partner would think of me as too needy. Or, they’d deny what I wanted, and then it would just be proof that they didn’t love me anyway. So I’d stuff those needs away, square my shoulders and move forward, albeit with a jaw that was clenched a little tighter, and the seeds of resentment rapidly propagating in my gut.
At this juncture in life, I am not dating and not seeking a relationship. I’m focused on other things and prefer to devote all of my energy to myself. But I would like that for myself in the future and have faith that God will bring the right person into my life, when the time is right. The bottom line is that I’ve learned that a relationship isn’t just two people who know each other and hang out a lot or even live together while letting the chips fall where they may. They take a lot of work and emotional energy, and it can’t fall to just one party to give all of that. A relationship is a living organism, and your “gardening skills” can leave you with either a beautifully blossoming orchid, or a bed full of weeds.
What are your relationship challenges?
Young Spirit, Old Soul 