Risks and Rewards

When I started this blog, I really didn’t have any idea of goals or expectations for it. To be honest, it felt like a complete inspiration from God to even do it in the first place … I’d been kicking around ideas for many months, and then this one came to me, and I was compelled to get it going quickly. It was up within 24 hours of me getting the “epiphany.” And I have warehouses of ideas for posts.

All I thought was … I feel like I want to share this knowledge that I’ve found and this strength that I’m building. I think God wants me to put this out there. Every day I see a lot of other people who seem to be struggling with the same issues. Maybe if I can help just one of them, it would be worth it.

But then I also wonder if it’s arrogant or naïve or unrealistic to even believe I could do that. I don’t feel like I have any great gift or knowledge that no one else has, I just feel like I’ve found a way to tap into it, and to genuinely feel it. But what I’ve “learned” seems like it’s been within me for a long, long time.

But I worry … could being honest and vulnerable like this come back to haunt me? If I write about some of these things I encounter in personal relationships … would someone I care about get hurt by it? Will pieces of this insight about myself somehow be used against me later?

It’s risky and scary putting some of this out there. Even though I don’t feel like what I have here is salacious, or even good “gossip fodder,” one of the things I’ve struggled with is an ability to trust. I don’t completely trust that while I feel like I’m trying to do a good thing, or at least create a good outlet for myself, that somehow it won’t be someone’s ammunition against me one day.

At the same time, I’m working to develop an attitude of “this is who I am – take it or leave it.” And I really am getting stronger in that every day. I know I’m a good person (and for a long time, I wasn’t sure of that), but also one who’s willing to admit to imperfections, struggles, and difficulties. But along with that comes the ways I’m working to overcome them, to grow into my purpose here on earth.

And so while I’ve wondered if I should keep doing this … if this really is a good idea to put myself out there so much … the voice I hear within my heart says keep going. Keep going.

I don’t know where this is leading, or even if there is a “where.” But today, I will keep going.